Amazing Race
This Is More Important Than Your Pants Falling Down!

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: A | Grade It Now!
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Zach and Jill went up the hill

But enough listless lust -- on with the race. Something is seemingly afoot with FloZach's departure, because Phil says, "Flo and Zach, who were the first to arrive this morning, will depart at 10:02 PM." As a rule, he says, "Team so-and-so, who were the first to arrive at [blank] AM, will depart at [blank] PM." (I would point out to Phil that making things like this extremely conspicuous is one of the risks of standardizing your patter with militaristic precision.) But at any rate -- 10:02 PM. Flo rips open the clue, which says to go to a nearby farm and search a haystack for their clue. Dramatic and unsteady darkened-road footage sets an allegedly tense mood as Phil re-explains the clue in his usual redundant fashion. Farm. Hay. Search. Clue. We get it, Phil -- they're all one-syllable words, you know. As FloZach drives, Flo voices over that their relationship is so confusing that other teams can't even figure out what's up with it. Of course, considering who some of the other teams are, I don't think confounding them qualifies your relationship as any more confusing than, say, a childproof aspirin bottle, but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt.

FloZach arrives at the farm and finds the haystack, which is marked by flags that seem a little unnecessary, given that the haystack is illuminated by enough harsh studio lighting to make Ashley Judd look like Phyllis Diller. Much to no one's surprise, Flo eyes the haystack with distaste. "I don't want to touch this," she complains, pawing it halfheartedly as if it were actually dripping with cow saliva this very minute. Zach wonders if perhaps climbing up on top of the haystack will yield some results, so he tries it. Flo, sarcastically: "Yeah, that's gotta be the..." She is cut off by his announcement that he found the clue. Ha! "Shut! Up!" she yells, and then cackles. He tosses her the clue, and she asks him to rearrange the haystack so it's not obvious where they got it. As he climbs down, she reads, "Your next clue is waiting in the thunder of the Rheinfall." Phil explains that the teams will grab a ferry to Switzerland, and then hop a train to Schaffhausen, and then they'll have to get themselves to the Rheinfall, where the route marker is perched on a high rock formation rising out of what we are informed is the "largest waterfall in Europe." Very imposing, the Rheinfall. It makes me picture Ian and a barrel. Ian. Barrel. Barrel. Ian. Give me a minute, I need to finish my mental image. Aaah, thank you.

12:44 AM. Derek and Drew read the clue and scoot. Close attention to the Amazing Purse that Derek is carrying reveals that it is labeled, "Twins." I'd be interested to know what everyone else's Amazing Purse says. Teri and Ian's probably doesn't say "Asshat," I guess, and a crying shame it is, too. Drew interviews that he doesn't think trusting other teams is possible as they get "down to the nitty-gritty" of the race. "Hurry up, Derek, come on," he complains in the car. "We're in a race, by the way," he then needles, slapping the side of the driver's seat. Man, you pull that kind of thing in my car, and you will get a cigarette lighter right in the eye. My aim is excellent, and I don't even have to take my eye off the road. Safety first!

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Amazing Race

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