Amazing Race

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Wooden Shoe Like to Play Some Golf?

And now the girls are on their 16th attempt at the golf course, and still on their first hole. They get within maybe thirty feet of the hole, which is apparently a record for them. Ericka and Brian finish their herring and are officially in fifth place as they read their Pit Stop clue, which tells them, "Travel by bicycle to the next Pit Stop." Only problem is that they don't have bicycles. Outside, Brian asks some camper if they can borrow his bikes, and he agrees, so they're off. Nice of him. Would you lend your bicycles to a couple of randoms in period dress just because they asked you to? Even if they had a camera crew? Me either. We get to see Maria and Tiffany fail yet again, and Brian and Ericka reach the Pit Stop. "I really do love you," she says exhaustedly as they jog to the mat, "but this is not my finest hour." This leg has only been going on an hour? Phil tells them they're the fifth team to arrive, and they can't believe they're still in it. But you know there's a "however" coming. "Your clue clearly stated that you were meant to ride a bicycle to the Detour. You did not do that. For that you have incurred a thirty-minute penalty." Oh, this is so not how you catch up. The time starts ticking down on the screen right then as Phil invites them to wait on a nearby bench. Sometime I'd like to see someone have to wait out a penalty at a Pit Stop where there's no place for anyone to sit. Phil will be like, "Why don't you go swing on those trapezes over there until your time is up."

Maria and Tiffany are telling each other that they could do this without so much wind. At the Pit Stop, Ericka is trying not to lose it as Brian tells her it's out of their hands now; all they can do is stay calm. I think even that is out of Ericka's hands. Maria and Tiffany do some more hugging it out, Tiffany takes another swing, and she says, "I don't think my arms are working any more." Yeah, she's going to have Popeye arms in the morning. Ericka continues trying not to lose her shit, weepily saying they don't want to be eliminated. After one more shot of Maria and Tiffany looking helpless on the course, Phil calls the Americas over to the mat. They limp over, and he tells them they are officially team number five. "Way to not quit," Brian tells his tearful wife. Yeah, but next time, they're going to have to also not suck.

Maria and Tiffany continue to get nowhere, until Tiffany, who's gotten a warm-up jacket from somewhere, says, "I think I'm done." Maria says she wouldn't have gotten this far without her, which is selling herself short. I mean, could Tiffany have made pho so quickly? Eaten two wasabi bombs instead of one? Destroyed their car so effortlessly? I don't think so. Maria says, "I'm not going to tell you what to do." They hug, and are still standing there like that when Phil comes walking across the grass to them. Back off, Phil, they're having a moment. He says, "Maria and Tiffany, I understand that you want to give up on the race?" Tiffany says rather formally, without letting go of Maria, "We do not want to give up on the race, but we do not foresee that we'll be able to finish this challenge with this weather. We are quitting the race, and as a result we understand that we'll be eliminated." Well, at least that saves Phil from having to do anything but nod. Maria says they know they've given their all, and she interviews that Tiffany has been her hero throughout the race, seeing her as invincible. "But I have to remember that at the end of the day, we can only do so much." And that would not appear to include either of these two Detour options, like, at all. I have to give them credit for persistence, though; it's not like they gave up easily. They walk off into the sunset, arm in arm, in their cold, wet underwear. Are they still going to have to swim and bike to wherever they have to spend the night tonight?

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Amazing Race

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