Amazing Race
This Seems Like The Path Straight To Hell!

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Previously on Stop Watching The Bachelor and Birds Of Prey, Dammit: Heather got dumped on her face by a donkey. Ian was loud and pushy, and not in the good way. Pretty boys were back, and this time, they really were stupid. Ken and Gerard were bald and funny, and there's always room for bald and funny. A donkey dumped Heather on her face. Tall guys and short girls ran around yelling. When it was all over, the soccer moms left to go home and yell at the coaches who didn't give their kids enough playing time. Oh, and Heather's face had the rest of Heather dumped on it by a donkey. Who will be eliminated tonight?

The first thing you should know is that I'm working on this recap while I am home from work, sick as a dog. So you should imagine me coughing a particularly sexy phlegm-laden cough, and continuing to accumulate a hell of a pile of used Kleenex. It's just me and my jeans and my TWoP baseball shirt and my periodic sniffling, baby. Also, my hair has that I-am-not-going-to-work-today, ponytail-of-pathos look. Right now, I am debating whether I have the energy to go find socks. I'm also running a bit of a temperature, so I'm kinda pink and clammy. I am a dreamboat on wheels today, believe me. Admit it, you are sorry you aren't here to snuggle up to me at this particular moment in time.

Credits. In June of this year, an "amorous" dolphin named Georges began making sexual advances on divers in an English town, so efforts were made to relocate him to France (logically enough). The flight of the Voladores is an ancient dance of prayer. Half of all boating accidents involve personal watercraft, with an overwhelming number of those accidents attributed to inexperienced and untrained users. The Pyramid of the Sun is one of three pyramids in Teotihuacan, which was a large city until it burned in approximately 700 A.D. and was abandoned. One researcher has found that women cry an average of 5.3 times per month, while men cry an average of only 1.4 times per month. [BOMP.]

Fade up on spring break in Mazatlan. No wonder the cameramen are sloshed. Is that David Arquette participating in an MTV game show? Oh, no. It's just the teams, taking a break at the first pit stop. It seems like the pit stops get more luxurious every year. It's turning into The Amazing Tour Of Five-Star Hotels. As usual, there is eating, sleeping, and mingling, although it looks like it's a little more fun than it was in the desert or in tents in the jungle. Amateurs. You will be shocked to learn that Heather and Eve do their mingling in their swimsuits, which is so you can see how intelligent they are. Now it's time for Phil, Exposition Hands, route markers, and sealed envelopes. It's all very dramatic, assuming you've never seen the show before. Phil wonders aloud what rivalries will emerge, other than Ian and Eve's pitched battle for First To Get Poked In The Eye By The Recapper.

10:36 PM. Ken and Gerard rip open their clue. It tells them to get to the Pyramid of the Sun in Teotihuacan. I love how they show dramatic shots of the road and a speedometer whenever Phil describes driving somewhere. What I like about this particular speedometer shot is that it's in kilometers, which makes it look like the driver is really flying. Woo! We hit eighty! I want a speedometer in feet per minute. "Hi, mom! I'm calling from the road! I'm doing three hundred twenty thousand!" Anyway, when the drive is over, it will be time to go up 248 steps to the route marker. Phil says it's twenty stories up. And they have to climb the whole way. Bleh. In their SUV as they get underway, Kenny tells us that they've named their team "Oh, Brother," so that other teams can say, "Oh, Brother! They're passing us again!" Of course, if they don't watch out, it will be, "Oh, Brother! Nicknaming yourself is the path to destruction!"

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Amazing Race

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