Amazing Race
We Just Won't Die, Like Roaches

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Miss Alli: B- | Grade It Now!
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The Beauty Of Coming In Last

At any rate, the teams all pull their next clue, which is a Roadblock. And the Roadblocker here will "experience the thrills and chills of being a gladiator." They will join a "charioteer" on a race around an open track. They have to go round and round until they manage to pull down both of the colored banners that match their horse. So basically, if you miss, you have to do another lap. When you have both flags, you're done. Rob takes the Roadblock for his team, explaining that Kimberly is terrified of horses, and they hate her as well. Dustin takes it for her team, because the horse would be scared of Kandice's huge teeth.

We watch as the *lyns turn over the hourglass to begin waiting out their Yield, as the Roadblockers start to put on their gear. Tyler tells the Kandice, as they wait for their partners to do the Roadblock, that she should be happy that he didn't Yield them. Kandice explains again how they "had to" Yield the *lyns, and again, I honestly wish she'd just own it and stop acting like she hated having to do it, because when you've already tried to get another team on a flight with you in a specific effort to knock a team out, nobody is going to believe that you're sorry they're Yielded. Like, if this had been the boys she Yielded, it would have made more sense to be all, "Well, we had to," but here, everybody knows they're thrilled to do it, so whose benefit is the display for? There aren't any judges, you know?

For her part, Karlyn sits on the ground and seethes. She says she already hated the BQs anyway, explaining, "I expected it, because it's typical of something they would do. They've shown no character at all, and that's on them to live with, they have to live with that. I can go home at night, go right to sleep." Oh my GOD. Is she kidding? I wish she were. Because... because... she was just going to... if they hadn't... so she's, like... just, wow. I've lost my power of speech. First time!

There is fakey-fake music of grandeur as the Roadblockers line up with their charioteers at the starting line. A bunch of extras helpfully pretend to care, cheering and shouting from the sidelines. I hope they were paid well. And... they're off! James's horse immediately goes the wrong direction, even though he's not driving it. He really is hapless, even inadvertently. Karlyn notes from the Yield mat that it's probably more difficult to do this the way they're doing it, with three horses to deal with, than it will be later when she or Lyn does it alone. There's almost certainly some truth to that. Tense horsey footage follows. There's a terrible wreck, and it looks very scary until they realize that it's all faked up, because it's a movie set. So this isn't really an experience of being a gladiator; it's an experience of being in a gladiator movie. Dustin informs us via voiceover that she "felt like a legitimate gladiator." She talks about how excited "the crowds" were, not apparently caring that they were... movie extras. She grabs her first flag on the way past. Why am I not surprised that she wouldn't distinguish between a crowd actually cheering for you and extras being paid to cheer for you? It's all adulation, after all. "I was victorious in battle," she adds. Sure you were, sweetheart. Sure you were.

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Amazing Race

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