Amazing Race
We Just Won't Die, Like Roaches

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Miss Alli: B- | Grade It Now!
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The Beauty Of Coming In Last

7:33 AM. Tyler and James. Tyler tries some finger-waving mojo to make the clue turn out to be something great, and when James opens it, it instructs them to drive to Ouarzazate, Morocco. As Phil tells it, this is pronounced, roughly, "WAR-za-zahd." Tyler pronounces it "Core-ZAH-tay." Clearly, he is seeing a Q where there is an O, but it's still an impressively bad match between versions. Phil says that this trip will be almost 3000 miles, and will take them to a place "wedged between the Atlas Mountains and the Sahara Desert." And if you've ever been wedged between the Atlas Mountains and the Sahara Desert, you know how painful that can be. Teams will then drive four miles to the Kasbah district and find an antique shop. There, they'll choose one of four lucky charms (none shaped like a gnome, not to mention green clover or a blue diamond or whatever leprechauns eat) that will have some significance later. After they pick out a charm, they'll get their next clue. As they leave, Tyler explains that if they could pick the final three, they'd choose to go to the end with the Pointies and *lyns, because the BQs are too tough. Also: giant scary teeth. They have to get back in their sad little annoying car, which doesn't please them.

7:41 AM. BQs. "Fly to KWAR-za-nate, Morocco!" Dustin says excitedly. Except that there's no Q and no N, it's... a decent try, I guess. About the same as Tyler's. What's much dumber is Dustin's comment, "I wrote a paper in college about Morocco!" No, no, Morocco, Dustin. Not Miss Morocco. But I kid Dustin. As they drive along in the car and Kandice flashes the aforementioned giant scary teeth (which I feel much freer to mock, given that she's basically cultivated the constant flashing of said choppers, as opposed to merely being cursed with them), Dustin voices over that they don't care about the money. It's "the spirit of the competition." I bet that's just what she used to say at pageants, too, and it's the kind of thing that probably got Ex-Lax put in her hot cocoa. That is such a phony-baloney answer, seriously. Just say you want to win. Why wouldn't you just say you want to win? What's wrong with wanting to win? It's like... you compete in beauty pageants. The cat's kind of out of the bag that you're not exactly the "oh, I don't want any recognition for myself" kind of girl. Meanwhile, up ahead, James and Tyler pull somebody over to ask how to get to the airport. And a little taxi shall lead them.

8:19 AM. Pointies. "Fly to WAR-za-tay, Morocco," says Rob, and he's... getting close. He got that first syllable, which is the doozy. Rob calmly explains that the race is "helping [him] grow," because at times, he's figured out that he needs to "breathe and calm down." If only one person a year could figure that out, then the race wouldn't be in vain for nothing, as they say. Kim says that he's beginning to figure out that "you can't control everything," and if you can't, then you don't need to get upset about it. I'm not sure she's the pastoral picture of mental health that she presents herself to be in this conversation, but she's doing her best, I think. She calmly coaxes him into getting their car in gear on the way to the airport, so that's a good sign. I'm telling you, I normally hate bickering couples, and I know that's how they were cast, but I've never developed any real dislike of them at all. Things that are almost always bullshit -- "we knock heads because we're both competitive," and so forth -- have some kind of ring of truth for me with these people, and it probably means I'm ruined, but whatever. I hope you feel good about yourself.

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Amazing Race

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