Previously on Bertram Van Munster's 500 Hats: Namibia was hot, sandy, and short of ground transportation. Gary and Dave sped across the desert in a desperate attempt to escape the stench of their own jokes rotting in the sun. Danny went into the pool in his underwear and won the Fast Forward, proving once again that wherever you go in the world, nothing pays off like partial nudity. Blake and Paige annoyed Mary and the Fruit, and not just because of the team outfits. Boston screwed up quite a bit, but eventually slid in ahead of Shola and Doyin, who were eliminated after burying themselves in the sand and becoming lost on the way to the great big sand dune. Alex hugged Phil, who pretended not to mind, and Chris hugged the defenseless greeter, who called his attorney and filed a lawsuit based on the hostile work environment. Who will be Phil-iminated tonight?
Credits. A-one, and a-two, and: "Tell! The! Truth! You've come to see! Blake's! Tooth! You just cannot! Say! No! To its en-chant-ing glow! It! Has! You! And has your chil-dren too! It will not stop! Till you...admit...that you...love it...so don't...hes-i-tate! Before it is! Too! Late! Surrender! [BOMP.]"
Amani Lodge, Namibia. An ostrich runs along the road, undoubtedly on his way to the Sierra Club press conference about all the drunken cameramen careening around on the game preserve. Cut to Phil, doing this week's intro in the dark, thus robbing us of the scenery that usually surrounds him. Furthermore, don't they let Phil sleep? He explains that the game preserve is the fourth pit stop, and there's a mandatory rest break. Now it's time for the weekly "Eat, Rest, and Mingle" segment, including the obligatory Half-Naked Blake Shot Of The Week. Yeah, he's half-naked. Whatever.
As the teams enjoy their downtime, Chris spills the beans to Taraweasel that, between rehearsals for the All-American Traveling Dental Hygiene Showcase, Blake has been conspiring against them. Tara says that if Blake tries anything, then "game on." Whatever that means. When Blake shows up, Tara calls him over and tells him that she knows about his Rasputin-esque plan, and she doesn't appreciate it. Blake denies it, and tries to improve his situation by clarifying that he's not conspiring against Taraweasel; he just doesn't like them. Blake: Master of Diplomacy.
At this point, we are treated to another helping of sour grapes fried in bitter batter regarding the behavior of the Teeth. Tara snipes at Blake, leading with, "You cut the Grannies off at the airport and made them cry." I find that a bit hard to believe, given that the show was giving itself multiple hernias from how hard it was pushing the Blake/Paige intrigue angle at that point, so I'd think it would have made use of any available footage of the weeping elderly. Moreover, Tara wasn't even there, so for these as well as many other reasons? Shut up, Tara. Jumping in to help, Wil brings up the fact that Blake and Paige "cut in front of Mary and Peach" to get to the pit stop. Again, it appeared that Wil wasn't even there, but I'm relieved that his total lack of knowledge -- as well as the fact that Blake and Paige didn't do anything wrong in the first place -- doesn't interfere with his feelings of self-righteousness. Disheartened and sure that this is all leading nowhere, Blake walks away. "Play your own game and we'll play our own game and we'll see who wins," Wil snots to Blake's back. Wil threatens to "feed [Blake] to the tigers." I hope it's not those tigers from last season, though, because they wouldn't even eat him. They'd just lick him all over, yawn, and fall asleep. At any rate, Wil thinks the Teeth are trying to disrupt the race, Dave thinks Wil and Blake should just rumble and get it over with, and Blake thinks that if Wil wants to be ugly, that's fine with him. Oh, and somewhere along here, Tara says "game on" again. And it still doesn't mean anything. Frankly, the more Wil picks on him, the more sympathy I have for Blake. And, you know, ew.