After two straight weeks with badly designed Detours, we now get a leg that's badly designed from top to bottom. The fact that one Detour option is obviously better than the other is the least of the difficulties, because after eleven seasons, they've apparently not learned how to keep flights from separating teams by hours and hours. So most of the game is over very early this week, as Charla and Mirna are many hours ahead of everyone else, until some very suspicious "weather" requires them to wait up for Danny and Oswald. Uchenna and Joyce and the BQs are hours behind them, and then Eric and Pink are hours behind them, and finally, Team Guido and Teri and Ian are hours behind them. The whole thing is a crushing bore, because nothing anybody does after the initial airport follies makes a bit of difference, Uchenna and Joyce's "marked for elimination" thing is meaningless, and the entire elimination comes down to the last three minutes, when Guido does a puzzle faster than Teri and Ian and Teri and Ian are eliminated. Aside from the fact that it's nice to be able to bid farewell to Teri and Ian on so much better terms than last time, the episode pretty much blows, and it cements All-Stars as the most poorly planned season of all time (camping around the country excepted).
Previously on Larry, Curly, and Mozambique: Snow beacons called out aggressively to everyone but Oswald and Danny, meaning snow beacons are dumb. Eric thought Guido was made up of freaks. Large rats were no one's friend. Charla and Mirna tumbled into first place for the first time ever. Uchenna and Joyce finished last, but they got to stay, meaning that we now know that good people can avoid elimination.
Credits. You can even tell from the credits that Teri and Ian hug more than they used to, which is to say: they hug. [BOMP.]
Commercials. I completely believe that month-and-a-half old coffee tastes like you just opened it. Also, I don't know why everyone keeps picking on Alberto Gonzales.
Welcome to Maputo! Phil says that this is Mozambique's center of government, as well as its miscellaneous commercial hoohah. And here "in the heart" of Maputo, right where pit stops usually are when they are not "on the outskirts" of whatever the place happens to be, is Fortaleza. If you are of approximately the same age as me, you will get the following joke: Fortaleza apparently is more than just the source of stylish super-V-necked sweaters. Phil reminds us that this is an actual old fort, as in, "Get back, invaders," and that it was the fifth pit stop. He wonders whether the "marked for elimination" Uchenna and Joyce will finish first or survive their penalty.
9:07 AM. Charla and Mirna. Remember how they celebrated their victory? Oh, yes. Sure you do. They are wearing, I shit you not, matching "Too Hot To Handle" shirts. Do not look directly at them! Touch them with pot holders! The clue tells them to fly to Dar Es Salaam, Tanzania. Phil says it's Tanzania's biggest city, and when they land there, they'll take a taxi ten miles to a ferry terminal, where they'll pull a number to ride one of four dhows (that's a boat) that will take them to Zanzibar. Did you get all that? Oh, good. Because you won't be seeing any of it actually occur for a very, very long time. Mirna tells us that being in first place is "nerve-racking," because they've never done it before. Fortunately, Phil was gentle. I think I just made myself a little ill. Anyway, they get into their car, and Mirna manages to tell their driver an opening set of directions without using a silly accent. Maybe that's a good sign. Mirna says that they're out to prove that they're a great team, and that their first-place finish was not merely "a quirk." In an interview, Mirna says that they will win by taking risks, because if you don't take risks, you don't win. In the car, Mirna picks up her accent when she tells the driver not to hit people. Hey, that accent saves lives. I'll tell you, I don't really care if it's apocryphal or not -- the part right after this with the driver turning to shoot her a dirty look is freaking brilliant.