Amazing Race
We're Not At Charm School Learning How To Be A Gentleman, We're Racing

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Miss Alli: A+ | Grade It Now!
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To sleep, perchance to scream

In the Jon and Kelly car, the topic has returned to the lost Fast Forward and the frustration thereof. Kelly says she couldn't believe the Fast Forward was gone. "We were so stressed out...we definitely said some hateful things," she acknowledges in a voice-over. Jon, demonstrating her point, goes on to riff about how he's sure the clowns took the Fast Forward, probably at the behest of a whining Millie and Chuck, who just didn't want Jon and Kelly to get it. Wow. Quite a cross to bear, being located at the precise geographical center of the universe like that. As he asses it up but good, Kelly puts her foot down. "Jon, listen. Would you please, please, please quit being a big jerk? You're being a jerk to me, you're being a jerk to everybody else...just get over it." Jon, in a voice-over, says that he "would love to be just the perfect gentleman," but that "we're not at charm school trying to learn how to be gentlemen...we're racing." Of course, being a "gentleman" (read: non-dickhead) and being a good racer are hardly mutually exclusive, but I don't exactly expect BuffJon to pick up the subtleties. Kelly tells him she wants to finish and "go out like normal people instead of being bitter. We had fun..." He disagrees, insisting that this is no longer fun. I understand where he's coming from, but...suck it up, there, sweetheart.

In the Millie and Chuck car, she explains that if they don't get lost looking for the caves, they're not far from them. It's not exactly clear what happens here, but it appears that they drive past a sign leading to the caves that actually has its back to them, because they're driving away in the wrong direction. In other words, had they turned around and looked back, they'd have seen a sign directing them to the caves. Millie continues gazing at the map, trying like hell to make the information on the paper translate into something comprehensible. They're carefully showing you the way she's missing the sign, but...I mean, if it was facing the other direction, I can't exactly fault her for the sign-missing itself.

The clowns arrive at the caves. They run across a little bridge and make their way to the clue box. It tells them that we've arrived at this week's Roadblock, and that "it's time for the ladder part of the race." Oh ho ho ho, those clue writers. A nice-looking Phil explains that in this Roadblock, the team member must climb a fifty-foot vertical ladder and then crawl out on a horizontal ladder to retrieve the next clue. He tells us, incidentally, that locals use these big ladders to collect birds' nests for birds' nest soup. Al explains that he turned this Roadblock over to Jon, because Jon balances ladders on his face in the circus. Now that seems like a thin piece of reasoning, given that the Roadblock was very unlikely to involve ladder-face-balancing, and if it doesn't, then that particular skill is unlikely to prove helpful. He's not Doctor Doolittle, after all, with some kind of carefully honed ability to commune with ladders. I suppose this is easier for Al, however, than just saying, "I gave it to Jon because it sounded like it was going to be really, really high." ClownJon is outfitted with a harness, a helmet, and some other safety gear, and when he's been thoroughly checked, he is sent up the ladder. ClownJon comments that the steps are fairly far apart, and his legs are relatively short. Al tells him to just take his time. Once he gets going, he makes fairly good time. "I would not want to do this," Al says to the camera with a little smile as he observes. ClownJon complains in an interview that there was quite a quantity of bird poop on the ladder, which made it even more difficult to navigate. Again with the poo...it's definitely becoming a theme.

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Amazing Race

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