Amazing Race
We're Not At Charm School Learning How To Be A Gentleman, We're Racing

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Miss Alli: A+ | Grade It Now!
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To sleep, perchance to scream
<-p>Millie and Chuck pull into the entrance. "Sepilok, right there," she says. In the Millie and Chuck car, she's got her inhaler out, and she's holding her head in her hand again. Not a good sign. "It's a dead sprint to that mat," he tells her. Jon and Kelly, driving. Millie and Chuck, driving. "Get ready to sprint," Chuck tells Millie. "Just think about one sprint. No matter what, we gotta fly. Just beat her. Don't think about him, just smash her." In case you think all the enmity in this relationship flows in one direction, I would direct you to "smash her" as Exhibit A. Kelly, meanwhile, frets to Jon that although they're slightly ahead, if they don't see the flags, Millie and Chuck will able to beat them. "It's a footrace, Jon," she says. "Leave everything in the car," Jon says, "even the pouch." She agrees. "We're just gonna sprint," he says. "They're fast," she says nervously, "so if it's a footrace..." "They're not that fast, Kel," Jon says. "We can --" "You're faster than Chuck," Kelly allows, "but Millie is a little jackrabbit. I got these long, gangly legs -- they don't move like her little short stubs." Oh, nice grasp of physics there, Kelly -- the long legs are indeed quite a curse when it comes to running fast. That's why the Olympic fifty-yard dash is always populated with short, chubby people. Cut to the Millie and Chuck car. "This is going to be a sprint," he repeats. "I hope it's a sprint," she answers. "Oh, Lord, please let me run." Jon almost misses the turn, but he gets turned around and into the drive with some help from Kelly.

Someone's footsteps pound on the bridge heading for the pit stop. Phil points at something, making sure the greeter doesn't miss the drama. The camera catches vague hints of something moving as somebody runs across the screen, mostly blocked by a big plant. Somebody's POV approaches Phil. Somebody is almost on the mat. Switch the camera angle, and...it's BuffJon, literally leaping off of something and down into the frame. A beaming Kelly is close behind. They run up and land on the mat. "Kelly and Jon," Phil says, "you're team number four." They high-five and hug happily.

Sad music. Millie and Chuck jog across the footbridge, much to their credit, on their way to the mat. They step up. I have never seen two such filthy and tired people in my life, and I am not even kidding. Millie looks at the ground and rubs the back of her neck, unable to meet the Philimination gaze. Chuck rubs her back. "Millie and Chuck," Phil says, "you're the last team to arrive." A pause ensues. They stand there. "I'm sorry to tell you, you've both been eliminated from the race." The hope of two consecutive non-eliminations can't have been especially high, but this snuffs out whatever glimmer of hope they might have had. "That's okay," Millie half-whispers, trying to look happy. "You wanted this really bad, didn't you, Millie?" Phil asks mercilessly. She nods. "Yeah." Phil asks them where they think the relationship stands after all this. Millie says she thinks they learned a lot, because in some ways they were there for each other, and in some ways, they weren't. In a post-race interview, a still-exhausted Millie says that they are "really doubting" that they're going to ultimately make each other happy. Back on the mat, they hug. Chuck voices over that because they're both stubborn, it was "hard to keep peace." In the interview, she says that if it turns out that they're not right for each other, then she wants them to go their separate ways so that they can just be happy. "No matter what happens," Chuck voices over, "she is going to have a place in my heart that no one else will ever have." Aw. That's nice. Now go and take a nap, y'all. You've got it coming.

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Amazing Race

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