Amazing Race
What A Gaucho You Are

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Miss Alli: B | Grade It Now!
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Horses, horses, horses, horses

Phil and a couple of musical "whomp" noises welcome us to Mendoza, a "lush farm community in western Argentina," where you will find a ranch that served as the third pit stop. You will also find a cowboy in a pink shirt, apparently, and there's something you don't see every day. Phil reminds us that the teams are racing, and want money, and soon they will be running again, so won't you join us? My new love thing with Phil, by the way, is how he says, "This traditional ranch was the third pit stop...in a racearoundtheworld." All one word. I'm going to start telling people that when they ask me about the show. "What's it about? Oh, it's a bunch of teams...on a racearoundtheworld."

Looking forward, Phil wonders whether Susan and Patrick can dig out of the trench they've been in for a couple of episodes, and whether Rob and Amber's wicked ways will continue to distance them from all the people who have hated them since before even meeting them, or whether perhaps Rob will spontaneously decide to dial back the cockiness and Lynn and Alex will spontaneously decide to dial back the insufferable moralizing and the entire thing will perhaps end in a giant group hug and a round of margaritas. I don't know about you, but I have a guess on that, to which I hold fast despite my utter faith in the healing powers of tequila.

3:49 AM. Lynn and Alex, who indubitably rocked the last leg, take off. They rip the clue, which tells them to drive 25 miles to a ranch called Cabana La Guatana. Lynn explains that he and Alex really, really wanted to beat Amber and Rob, which you may not have noticed if you didn't watch any part of the leg and weren't aware of anything they said the entire time. Alex adds that they also have "a huge, huge advantage." After talking a little more about how much it meant to them to beat the prom king and queen to the DQ, sneak in the back, and spit in their Blizzards, Alex says he and Lynn are "determined to keep [their] lead," meaning that he has apparently never seen the show and is not aware that race leads are like STDs -- they may flare up impressively from time to time, but generally, they fade and leave you with only a vaguely uncomfortable itch and your lingering resentment of the person who screwed you.

4:07 AM. Uchenna and Joyce leave. They continue to be a little island of normal in all this crapola. He says that they just want to "continue to move forward" and "support each other." Imagine that! They must be looking for some other show, like maybe $25,000 Pyramid. Oh, and Uchenna calls his wife "babycakes," which...oh, my, yes. If you're him? Yes.

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Amazing Race

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