Amazing Race
Amazing Race

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: A- | 515 USERS: C+
YOU GRADE IT
Champagne wishes and caviar [bleeeaaaargh]

After a brief complaint that her ass is too big, Charla manages to get into her hockey gear, as does Mirna. "I feel sooooo protected," Charla gripes. "Thanks a lot, Mirna, for not drinking vodka!" she yells. Who did I just hear saying she wanted to do the hockey? Eh, shut up, you.

There is lots of activity at the Palace of Vodka, where Marshall and Lance take their drinks and get their clue. Outside, they grab a couple of locals who are apparently willing to get them to the Bronze Horseman monument on foot. Oh, beware the unknowing locals. Sigh. Chip and Kim arrive at the palace.

Jaunty and vaguely Russian music of the boop-boop-boop variety follows Mirna and Charla into the goal. Charla has no stick, for whatever reason. "I geeve you keees eef you take eeeeasy," Mirna says in her peculiar version of Russian, which consists of a Bullwinkle-inspired accent. I doubt it's because they want a keees, but if you watch the hockey players here, incidentally, you will see that they do indeed go extremely easy on these two, compared to Brandon and Nicole. These aren't slapshots -- they're just kind of scooping the puck in the general direction of the goal. They're more like passes than they are like shots. That's one thing I don't like about this kind of task: it allows too much fudging by other people. Mercy from third parties is the enemy of the race, as it prevents the Philiminating of the unworthy.

Chip and Kim drink vodka. Elsewhere, Lance is snapping at his locals, telling them to "be honest" about whether they know how to get to the statue, because "it's a race." And...I understand how he feels, but when you don't know where you're going, you kind of have to be a little more polite than that. Just because Julia Roberts said it in Pretty Woman doesn't mean it's not true: you can do whatever you want about directions when you ain't lost. Chip and Kim get a taxi to the horseman. Marshall and Lance, on the other hand, are still lost, and Marshall expresses his opinion that it's stupid to spend a lot of time walking when you could just get in a cab. And I agree. With Marshall. Signs of the apocalypse abound.

Amazing Race

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