Amazing Race
Why Did You Have To Take Your Pants Off?!, Part I

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Miss Alli: B | Grade It Now!
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Everything Flo's downhill from here

Previously on Yodel-Lay-Me-Drew: Down on the farm, Derek and Drew and Jill and John Vito tried to give Teri and Ian a bum steer. Teri and Ian, no spring chickens, didn't allow it to get their goat, although the whole incident did make Jill feel sheepish. We inevitably saw the show explore that most mundane of travel complaints -- losing your luggage. Jill rocked the boat. Flo and Drew were sitting in a tree, W-H-I-N-I-N-G. Oh, that was just Flo, actually. John Vito tried archery and found that he wasn't exactly the apple of his own eye. Flo's backpack crawled off her back, landed on the ground, sprouted legs, sprouted eyes, rolled the eyes, stretched the legs, and said, "I will walk up the Alps myself if you will please shut the hell up." Teri had issues with her pants. (You probably won't believe me at this point if I tell you this is going to be a theme.) The Roadblock-challenged John Vito and Jill found themselves in a dash to the mat against the goat-challenged Ken and Gerard. In the end, JVJ landed on the mat last, but dodged Philimination. "Who will be eliminated..." Evolution brings about the lengthening of giraffe necks. "...in tonight's special two-hour episode of The Amazing Race?" Does Phil not understand the power of preserving a tagline once you've established it?

Credits. According to the Social Issues Research Centre's Guide to Flirting, 55 percent of any first impression is based on appearance, 38 percent on style of speaking, and seven percent on the content of what is said. It takes two to four people to lift a full-sized wheel of Switzerland cheese. The current seven-gear model of the Swiss Army Bicycle has attachments to hold machine guns, bazookas, and grenade launchers. Seven-tenths of Switzerland's land area is covered with mountains. [BOMP.]

Hey, what's with the snowy mountainous terrain? Isn't Team Guido home yet? Oh, no, these are those other snowy mountains -- the Alps. I get it. Phil explains that we are in Switzerland, home of the lovely chalet he is currently showing off, and also incidentally the country whose Army inspired the extremely tiny knife I recently received as a five-year service award from my employer. It has tweezers and a plastic toothpick, as well as a blade powerful enough to skin a goldfish were such an action ever required, so I am sure you are quite jealous. Where was I? Oh, yes. We see the teams enjoying their "mandatory rest period," and I assume that eating, sleeping, and mingling were all encouraged, but this week, Phil continues to shake things up and be the kee-razy guy he is by not saying so. He skips directly to the part where they don't have any idea what's in store for them. We do get to see Kenny rub Gerard's head. I'm assuming that's for luck, although I suppose it could also be a polishing ritual of some kind. Phil wonders aloud whether The Most Vacant Romance Since Freddie And Sarah Michelle will continue, as we see Flo coyly suck down a roasted marshmallow all, "Hey, Drew, want S'more?" In fact, he's probably chewing up the graham crackers and drinking the melted chocolate in preparation for some kind of "mingling" that I really do not want to contemplate. Anyway, Phil also wonders whether JVJ will finally go for the FF, given that they're the only team left who can.

4:55 AM. Derek and Drew. Wow, there are no good hints for me at all about who's who today -- nobody is wearing red or blue, at least that I can discern right now. They may have finally melted into one guy, who then just divided himself in half. It's some kind of dilution process. Anyway, I believe it's Derek who reads the clue telling them that their next clue is at Gletscherschlucht. You know, it's a good thing I make an extra ten bucks every time I have to spell a word with more than fifteen letters -- they should stay in Germany and Switzerland forever! Phil explains to us that this is the name of a big glacial gorge that's right in town in Grindelwald. The teams will hike into the gorge, where they will find that, off the path, there is a row of keys on hooks. They need to grab a key that will start one of the spoon-fed cars that will take them out of town. The twins note that the hours of operation for the glacier hike begin at 9:00 AM. Furthermore, only forty bucks are available. They have a bit of a funny moment about counting the forty bucks (which is in the form of two hard-to-count twenties), and then they take off. A heavily chopped-up voice-over from Drew indicates that he's single and ready to mingle. Even with Flo. Well, even with an unnamed member of another team, but I don't think he's talking about Jill, because John Vito would squish his head like an overripe peach, and I don't think he means Teri, because ew. In fact, Derek and Drew are waiting to "powwow with Zach and Flo."

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Amazing Race

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