Amazing Race
Why Did You Have To Take Your Pants Off?!, Part I

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Miss Alli: B | Grade It Now!
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Everything Flo's downhill from here

Here comes Nerd Lust, apparently done with their non-exciting and non-sexual night of non-jealousy and non-lust. They walk toward the glacier, where John Vito is looking at some of the information about the gorge, which seems to suggest a challenging hike. When Nerd Lust arrives, a twin asks whether the gathering of racers already at the entrance is "some kind of line." Ian, correct on the substance and a creep in the execution, as is so often the case, says, "Yeah, we got here first, man." Unfortunately for Ian, he has the worst and most aggressive karma since that unleashed by the Untipped Cabbie, so as soon as they all get through the entrance, they find that it's just a hike, so the line is pretty much irrelevant, which means that the twins need about four seconds to leave Teri and Ian in the dust. A particularly adept camera guy grabs Ian resolutely tromping along, and then slides over to show the row of keys -- which everyone has just walked right past. Wow, nice catch. Crazy music plays, and it immediately occurs to me that it's the same psycho-jangle that was used when Aahab put diesel in their car. The utter sickness of the fact that I notice this is exceeded only by the fact that I go back to the TiVo to make sure I'm right. Which I am. At any rate, the Psycho Diesel Jingle quickly gives way to Zach, who apparently does realize now that they just walked right by the keys. He goes back toward them along the path with Flo. It suddenly becomes apparent to everyone what's just happened, so they all run back and find the little row of keys a little ways off the path. Flo mentions how they had walked right by it "like idiots." Yeah, quite a lot like idiots, actually. Funny how that works. Everyone but Asshat grabs their keys pretty quickly, but Ian takes a little time to clamber down to the spot. Everyone runs out and jumps in their spoon-fed cars, which all have clues sitting on the dash. It tells them that they need to go to Kandersteg, where they'll drive their cars onto a train. The train will take them through the mountains, and then they'll have to drive themselves to an adventure park that features a big red bridge. And when I say "big," I am saying "big." In the sense of "high." In the sense of "buy insurance." In the sense of "leave a will."

Jill and John Vito get out first, followed by FloZach and Derek and Drew. Well, they will be followed by Derek and Drew, once Derek can get the car going. "Why aren't you driving?" Drew yells at him from the back seat as Derek hunts for, I think, the parking brake. In the Bald Snark car, Kenny tells Gerard to "get [his] map skills going." Last out of the parking lot are a lagging Teri and Ian. He complains that they're "playing catch-up." Does he ever do anything other than complain? I mean, seriously, does the guy have another agenda item that he's going to get to someday? Because if this is going to be the entire floor show, I'd like to request that someone knock me out with a giant pitcher of margaritas and not wake me up for a week. Shut up, Ian.

Everyone makes their way down a windy road in the Alps. JVJ decides that it's time to check out the Fast Forward. Phil explains that in this FF, the team has to go to a "traditional cheese-making cabin" and find a big wheel of cheese that's been cut into little blocks. They have to eat as much of the cheese as it takes to find the FF under the cheese and uncover it completely. In the car, Jill and JV make the decision to go for the Fast Forward. Of course, knowing now where the eliminations do and do not occur, it's easy to criticize this decision, but assuming that they didn't know that CBS already knew about the two-hour episode, they had no reason to think we'd have two non-eliminations and then two eliminations rather than the alternating that's taken place in past seasons. This was probably the right place, based on past events, for them to take the FF. Anyway, they set off in search of the cheese.

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Amazing Race

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