Amazing Race
Why Did You Have To Take Your Pants Off?!, Part I

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Miss Alli: B | Grade It Now!
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Everything Flo's downhill from here

Derek and Drew do the purist racer thing and go for the bungee jump. Flo, meanwhile, says the bungee is not happening, and she's doing the goats. Probably not wanting to risk another rappelling-type freak-out, Zach doesn't argue. Encouraged by the fact that they won't be the only wimps, Gerard and Ken bail as well and head for the goats. "Don't die!" Kenny yells to the twins as they leave. Just as FloZach and the Bald Snark leave the place where they got the clue, Asshat arrives. They note the teams leaving, and realize that they probably couldn't have already done the jump, so they probably bailed on it. In the FloZach car, Zach says that he would have liked to do the jump, even though it would have been "scary as hell." Flo looks grim. In the Bald Snark car, meanwhile, Ken says simply, "I didn't go for the bungee jump, because I'm a big, fat wuss." From the back, Gerard says, "I don't want to die. I have children." Kenny, in the front seat: "I don't want him to die, either, 'cause he's got children." Hee! I don't want either of them to die. Does that mean I'm going soft?

Back at the bridge, Derek and Drew reach the middle and prepare for the jump. Derek will be going first, so that he can then scream at Drew to get going. They strap Derek in, and I swear it looks like he's jumping while being held up solely by foot cuffs secured with Velcro, and I'm just sure that can't be right. I'm certainly hoping that when one takes one's life in one's hands, one has better fasteners than those used to close lace-free sneakers.

Asshat grabs the Detour clue. Teri is a little too slow for the Hat, so he yells at her (again), "Come!" She does. Because apparently being ordered around like a yellow Lab doesn't bother her. He hands her the clue and crosses his arms angrily because she's so slow. They stare at each other, and for a minute, I think they're being such jerks that they can't possibly take this seriously and they're going to crack up, thus increasing my regard for them by a factor of ten, but they don't. Instead, he barks, "We're way behind if we're not going to do this!" Excuse me, but you're way behind anyway. He's talking like she should have done something different up to this point if she weren't going to jump, which makes no sense at all. He orders her to "open this thing up." She does. When he asks her what she thinks about the Detour, she says she wants to do the goats. First he says that's all right, and she starts to leave, but then he has to stop and point out that he's willing to jump, so it's just her screwing them up. She says that she was willing to skydive, but the bungee jump is out of the question. Interestingly, you'll recall that they took the donkey cart and not the skydiving, so apparently he's the one who didn't want to jump that time. That's actually probably why he threw in this comment -- to clarify that she might expect he wouldn't want to do it, and if that's why she's saying no, he's saying he would do it. Wait a minute, did I just rationalize Ian? Ew. In the car on the way to the goats, Teri says she was just ultimately too scared to jump. Ian snots (as he so often has) that "this will probably be [their] undoing." He certainly does have that positive attitude I associate with frustrated four-year-olds. Shut up, Ian.

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Amazing Race

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