Amazing Race
You Are Just Deliberately Trying To Make Us Lose!

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Miss Alli: A | Grade It Now!
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In the manure to which you've become accustomed

We float over some green fields, and then we land on Al and ClownJon in their car, on the way to the ranch. As they approach, they comment that the odor pretty much gives away that you're headed in the right direction. You know, that's exactly how I find Cinnabon at the mall.

Back at the Sheep Fart museum, the Chipsters are the second team to the clue. As they read it, they try to figure out just how tall fifteen feet would be. They both start out by holding their hands up to their chests, like, "Would it be more than this?" And then Chip holds his hand up to the top of his head, like, "Would it be more than this?" This is the stuff you couldn't make up. At any rate, by remembering how tall they are, they eventually come to comprehend the concept of "fifteen feet." "That's a lotta cow manure," Reichen says, with what I'm almost convinced is a slightly dry flash of humor, and that would certainly be a welcome change from everything we've seen up to this point. Anyway, they decide that's just too much poo to deal with, so they're doing the cheese. They laugh a little at themselves for it, which is kind of refreshing.

In the boat, Millie very, very foolishly says that she thinks they should consider the Fast Forward. Is she kidding? She knows Kelly and Jon are about even with them, she knows they're substantially ahead of AirSteve and Dave and Jeff and David, and she knows AirSteve and Dave can't take the Fast Forward. So why burn it? She's not that lost. I get the feeling that this is pure emotional panic, and perhaps an attempt to drive her point home to Chuck by creating a false crisis, because otherwise, it just baffles me. Phil shows up to explain the concept of the Fast Forward, and if you're too mature to appreciate the irony in the idea of Chuck and Millie trying to figure out "when it's most advantageous to go for it," you're a better person than I am. Oh, and you should probably go read National Geographic or something, because I've got nothing for you. Anyway, Phil explains that in this week's Fast Forward, the team must drive to the Molen Van Sloten Windmill (Dutch for "Insert Mole A in Slot B"), where each of them will be strapped to one of the sails of the windmill. They'll ride it around and around for ten revolutions, and then they're done. Meh. The windmill is cool, but as I've said before, I can live without these tasks where you don't do anything except return alive.

This is also as good a time as any to explain about Phil's sweater. Throughout this episode, Phil is wearing what is quite possibly the butt-ugliest sweater I have ever seen in all of my glorious life, and you should keep in mind that I lived through the thick of the Literal Sweater Years, in which it was believed in certain quarters that if you were, say, a musician, you should wear sweaters with big musical notes on them, or if you were an equestrian, you should wear sweaters with big horses on them. Phil's sweater this week is made of what appears to be a very thick, almost chenille-like weave that's primarily a kind of orangey-red color, but has light pebbly speckles running through it. It has white piping where the sleeves are attached (!), thin vertical stripes on the too-thick turtleneck collar (!!), thick white wraparound bands at the elbows (!!!), striped bands at the wrists (!!!!), and a belt-like striped band at the waist (!!!!!). Now, Phil is an attractive guy, and I accepted long ago that the show does not remotely do justice to what an attractive guy he is, but it does generally refrain from making him look like he buys his clothes from the crafts fair at a correctional institution. This is, after all, the kind of sweater that calls to mind one of those knitting gadgets that you buy from an infomercial, where they tell you that with four skeins of yarn, two rubber bands, and a 9-volt battery, you can knit a beautiful sweater in one evening. No needles required! Which is why it would be a perfect free time activity for Mike The Spike, who is serving life for offing his upstairs neighbor and is not allowed to handle anything pointy, including crayons. Bad, bad sweater.

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Amazing Race

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