Amazing Race
You Are Just Deliberately Trying To Make Us Lose!

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Miss Alli: A | Grade It Now!
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In the manure to which you've become accustomed

2:54 AM. Chipsters. Chip manages to make it through the rip-read without quite as much bizarre enunciating as last week. Maybe someone told him that even though he was in a foreign country, most of the viewers speak English. Reichen, on the other hand, has something under his arm that looks like a big piece of posterboard with some kind of big brightly-colored chart on it. Apparently, they have hit Marseilles right in the middle of the science fair, and Reichen could not resist entering his analysis of how quickly water beads on his cheekbones. In the car, Chip makes the mistake of commenting that Marseilles is pretty, which brings a bit of snorting and disapproval from Reichen about how they don't have time to see the sights, and how when they get distracted by pretty things (their reflections, for instance), they start missing turns and doing other bad and un-race-like things. As Reichen says, "We have a tendency to drive by stuff." Hee. "Can't do that," he says, with a weird, smirking, stoner-like waggle of his head -- the kind of smirking stoner head-waggle that is only cute if you're Breckin Meyer. Everybody else? No.

2:57 AM. David and Jeff. ("Whooooo?") Trying desperately to inject personality into these guys like a flavoring agent into a frozen turkey, the editors shoehorn in a moment where Jeff tells David to turn the car around. Oh, I get it! They totally have personalities! Jeff is Guy Who Makes You Turn The Car Around and David is Guy Who Turns The Car Around! I have seen the light! They're totally interesting. I can't stop watching them with rapt attention. And I'm not just saying that because of these toothpicks holding my eyes open. Anyway, Jeff says he doesn't mean to be bossy with David, but the race is important. The narrow streets of Marseilles creak under the weight of this editorial effort to convince you that Jeff is The Pushy One. See? They're totally not the same guy except for their hair. Pay no attention to the identical bar codes on the backs of their necks.

3:00 AM. Kelly and BuffJon. In the car, map light around her head, Kelly says that she's terrible with maps. What happened to the girl who wanted to be half the team? I guess it was the non-map-reading half as well as the non-tire-changing half, huh? And the non-Beethovenhaus-finding half, and the non-correct-Detour-option-choosing half...she'll need to let him know when she spots a half of the relationship of which she's interested in taking possession. Anyway, he tells her that she needs to work on reading maps, because she can't always be the driver. I have to concur that coming on this show and declaring that you don't read maps is a little like going on a Barbara Walters special and warning that everything is okay except for personal questions. Kelly says in an interview that they're fairly newly engaged, so they're "learning as [they] go," and she's anxious to know whether the things he does on the race are the ways he'll treat her when they're married. (It would be very interesting to think about whether the remainder of this episode will be a metaphor for their marriage. I think you would find married people who would tell you that it is, in fact, all about how you do when called upon to find something good in a fifteen-foot pile of manure.)

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Amazing Race

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