7:28 AM. The Linzes reveal that the booty for this leg is $310. Tommy interviews that they do believe their team is physically strong, but that's not the only factor, they're aware. Nick tells us in a different interview that you can't always even tell what it's going to take to be in first place. Now, this is where I want to confess something to you. For several weeks now, I have had Nick and Alex exactly backwards. I was right when I told you I could finally tell them apart, and that my eye could at least distinguish the three brothers reliably. However, the one my brain had labeled "Alex" is actually "Nick," and the one my brain had labeled "Nick" is actually "Alex." I'm very upset by this. I'm even more upset by the fact that not one single person has emailed me to tell me that I have this backwards, which means that really, none of y'all give a crap either. That's how you can tell what's wrong with this season. People aren't invested enough to nitpick. I've gotten emails in my TWoP career about coatimundi, about the Bengals, about my wrongheaded use of "comprise" and "gelling," and about the error of my ways in picking on Texas. And I've been mixing up two contestants for weeks and weeks and pages and pages and I have not heard a peep. Dear This Show: Please don't do this again, with the families and the domestic flights and the trailer homes and the big giant chair. No one cares, in case you haven't noticed.
7:29 AM. Bransens. Lauren (so identified on-screen, which is my only hope) says that her father has had a difficult time with how they can all handle it, and he...can't. Because Wally is the weak link on the team. News to me! How could I have known? As they run from the pit stop, Wally volunteers to be the one to take the swim, and all the girls react with about the level of surprise you'd expect if he offered to be the one to put a bra and some heels on and dance around to "I Enjoy Being A Girl" while putting an exfoliating mask on his face.
Meanwhile, the Paolos arrive at the beach, which really isn't as festive as its name would suggest, and while there is some talk of Brian doing the swimming, Mama suggests that because Tony is the strongest, he should do it. That's what he gets for impressing them all so much with the bananas last week. So in goes Tony, headed for the buoy. The Linzes are right behind, with Nick heading into the water for them. (Dear Shirtless Nick: Thanks for the shoulders. It's been such a slow season, and I've had so little to be happy about.) Then we have Bransens, with Wally heading into the water. Wally, however, immediately starts swimming in the wrong direction (of course), so the Tonyas shriek at him from shore to get turned around. Tony and Nick reach the buoy and pull the clue, but while Nick turns around and heads back immediately, Tony falters. There is a cry of "Rescue swimmers!" On the beach, watching people out in the water trying to ensure that his father doesn't drown, DJ snots, "Why did he say he could do it if he couldn't do it?" I would think my father's cries for rescue personnel might get me to keep my complaints about him to myself until I knew he wasn't going to, you know, die. But at least DJ's consistent.