Previously on My Entitlement To Victory Is Broken! This Is Bullshit!: Colin and Christie won practically everything, with the exception of the Mr. and Ms. Congeniality banner. Chip and Kim were "bottom-feeders" who blew the first leg by failing to read the clue. Brandon was all Psycho Jesus Boyfriend Guy, and then he kind of pulled it together and Nicole started to suck, and she didn't even do funny dances. Linda and Karen screamed a lot. Like, a lot. Scumbag! Bitch! Door-blocker! Taxi-poacher! Jesus-liker! Midget! Hulk! Muppet drummer! Baby! Booby Cooper! Twinkie! She's not a student! He's a criminal! I'M PACKIN' IT! Mine keep having sex! I can't do the tango with a gentleman! And of course, proving to the world how much you can do. And how annoying you can really be.
Credits. Sars and I had a discussion this week about how remarkable it is that by this point in the race, we have almost forgotten all kinds of people who were around at the beginning. Marshall and who? Who are those blonde girls who look alike? We have concluded that we forget people really quickly. [BOMP.]
Commercials. The first sign that your family is really in trouble is that it occurs to you for even a moment that going on television to be manhandled by Dr. Phil might actually be a good idea. Oh, and also? The first episode of Survivor Vanuatu couldn't have sucked any more ass if it were trying to remove the poison from a rattlesnake bite without access to medical equipment, so don't try to promote it as if anyone liked it. I don't suppose it's possible that you forced your show to cannibalize itself during Rupertmania '04, do you? Wow. If only someone had warned you.
The music is very much pounding on our heads as we return to Manila. Bum-bum-bum- horse-building- girls-water- cars-bum-bum-bum! Phil welcomes us to the Coconut Palace, "built as a tribute to Pope John Paul the Second." Ah, yes. John Paul II, The Coconut Pope. They call him that because of his penchant for suntan oil, if I am still on top of my theological history. Phil says this was the eleventh pit stop, and we review Chip and Kim's excited, whooping arrival in first place, followed by everyone else. Phil reminds us that a dirty, sweaty, Yielded, depressed, mentally unstable Colin and Christie came in last, but were not (ack) Philiminated, due to the last (ack) non-elimination point. (You know how Kevin and Drew were the Saddest Philimination Ever? Well, this was the Saddest Non-Philimination Ever.) And what I noticed this time that I didn't before is that after they're told they're not eliminated, while Christie is hooting and jumping up and down, Colin is turning and pointing at someone. And you know who I bet it is? Chip. Just a guess. Colin and Christie did lose all their money, but they can get more. They can probably sell the ox meat that Colin has stuffed in his backpack. (Here, you may picture Colin singing "See My Vest," if it suits you.) ("Seeee...myyyy...socks? They're an ox! That I beat with twenty rocks!")