The Americans
Safe House

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Joe R: C+ | 7 USERS: A-
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Breaking Stan

Over in the hallway, Sandra confides in Elizabeth that she saw Philip leaving the house the other night. "I wasn't spying or anything!" she insists, giving us our Moment of Cheap Irony a little early this week. Elizabeth is forced to admit that she and Philip are separated. Sandra expresses her genuine sympathy and offers her help if Elizabeth ever needs it. On a lesser show, Sandra would be a deep-cover KGB agent keeping tabs on Directorate S assets. Sometimes I wish this were a lesser show.

Meanwhile, Paige and Henry corner Philip and openly beg him to come home. He tells them he can't and that he has to go. He does not add, "I have to go throw on my wig and glasses and bang my secret dowdy secretary girlfriend from behind in one of the least sexy sexual encounters ever aired on cable television," but he could have. So yeah, we're at Martha's apartment now, and Philip is losing himself in her nether regions. Specifically, he's pounding her from behind in a metronomic fashion, while she squeals, "SHOOT YOURSELF INTO ME, CLARK!" I know I'll never be the same, I don't know about you. Afterwards, Clark says he has to go to deal with the whole three dead agents thing, but Martha has one thing to say first: she tells him she's in love with him (she's also in love with his doggy style, but that's a matter for another conversation). "I've waited my whole life for you," she says, "and I would do anything for you." She just needs to know one thing: "Is this real?" Oh, this poor pathetic creature. Philip doesn't hesitate to say that yes, it is. She then begs him to spend the night with her, if only this once. And honestly? If it's between this or a cruddy motel, I kind of get why "Clark" decides to stay.

The next morning, Elizabeth is running through the morning routine, more frazzled than usual because she's doing this solo. Paige, more docile than I'd give her credit for, asks her mom what she's supposed to tell her friends. Elizabeth, of course, doesn't understand why you would tell your friends at all. Why not, instead, just maintain a stony silence until everyone in your life recognizes your superior strength and stoicism and consequently abandons all hope of knowing you beyond what small parts of you that you've decided to make available to them, entirely on your own terms? She finally tells Paige to tell them that her parents are not, at present, living together. She then resumes making perfectly circular pancakes.

Speaking of breakfast, Martha brings Clark breakfast in bed, though it's just half a grapefruit and (probably dry) white toast, because Martha is seriously the worst. She moons over Clark (who managed to sleep the whole night without his wig going askew) and tells him it's been a long time since she's had a man sleep in her bed. She's got to run to work, though, since things have been very hectic. She ends up spilling that Special Agent John-Boy has been taking a lot of secret meetings with his old CIA cronies. "He thinks I don't notice," she says, defensively, "but I'm a secretary, not a potted plant." She knows they're planning to kill a KGB agent. Clark perks right up at this, of course, and mere seconds after Martha is out of the house, he springs up and prepares to leave.

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The Americans

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