Anna Nicole Show
House Hunting

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Alex Richmond: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Better Homes and Candies

By way of introduction, Anna Nicole sits in a chair and says into the camera, "There's three things people think about me. They think I'm rich -- I'm not rich, I'm gonna be rich..." Okay, that's three. The end? No, only the first part was What People Think. The other two were asides. See how well I can follow along? The other two things people think is that she's a "gold-digger," and that she's "fat." A shot of her poodle Sugar Pie looking baleful follows. Is Anna Nicole going to eat Sugar Pie? Run, dog, run. Then we cut back to Anna, who pouts and says that "maybe [she's] a little big-boned." Honey, the only big bones around here are...well, you know what I mean.

The intro credits are cute -- nice animation. Who did the theme song, Anna Waronker? Jane Wedlin? I'll try and recap the insipid but thorough lyrics for you. They aren't captioned, so I just turned the sound up -- I may be wrong at times. But it isn't Shakespeare. Or even the Go-Gos.

Anna, Anna, glamorous Anna, Anna Nicole!
Was born in Texas, strugglin' savin', tryin' to get to fame
Then you use what you got (and that's a lot!), you became a household name
Married a billionaire, so he was 88, but they didn't date!
Then it all disappeared as fast as it caa-aame!
Anna, Anna, glamorous Anna, Anna Nicole!
Anna, Anna, glamorous Anna, Anna Nicole!
You're so outrageous!

Anna sits in a porch swing, wearing little make-up and a white tank top that says "GO AWAY, No Stalking Any Time." Hee. And ew. I like when vandals change signs to "No Barking Many Times" -- that usually cracks me up. But how sad is it when they manufacture "No Stalking" t-shirts? Well, not as sad as the fact that the first Osbournes rip-off is The Anna Nicole Show, all about the mostly loathed former pin-up who is no doubt doing this show in order to change her image and become more loved by the public? Ozzy was already loved. Maybe a magazine article would have been a good first step, instead of a reality show. Anyway, back to the action: Anna says she's shopping for a new home, since her old home was "like a hell-hole" to her. Her son Daniel says he never really liked the house. Howard K. Stern, Anna's lawyer, says that Anna had a real problem with a stalker (this must have been pre-tank top), so she wants to move. Back to Anna -- she says it's time to start over, with a new house as the first step to a new life. Would it be too bold of me to suggest a make-under for the first step? It would? Well, on with the home-buying.

Anna is wearing jeans, pink heels, big old sunglasses, and a breast-revealing pink ruffled short-sleeved top. She slo-o-owly walks down a hallway. She's holding Sugar Pie, and is flanked by Howard, assistant Kim, some other guy, and yet another guy. Wow, she needs four people to help her make a decision? Now that's blonde.

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Anna Nicole Show

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