Anna Nicole Show
House Hunting

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Alex Richmond: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Better Homes and Candies

She enters a smarmy real estate agent's office (Rezar is his name) and slurs that she needs a new home. The camera hovers over her, and she touches her breasts and says, "They keep wanting to pop out." Um, great. Don't, uh, hold back. It's E!, after all. Rezar gives her some candy (with nuts -- heh) to eat. She does, and the mic picks up on the very loud crunching noises. Everyone sits around while she chews. It's super-loud. I really wish she were eating a tiny little man. Or human bones. That would be cool. Anna is such the glamazon that eating candy seems too ordinary. She chews and chews, and then they all stand up to leave the office and go look at homes.

Anna vamps for the camera, making faux tai-chi poses (chi-chi?) and growling. Then she sticks her tits out and says, "Chop!" Well, then.

Sugar Pie is, apparently, gassy. Anna tells the dog to "quit farting." They still haven't left the office.

They all head down the stairs, and when Anna hits the doorway she stops and says, "Hold on, I have to eat something."

Anna's in the front seat of a black SUV. She holds up a yellow container on a red string and launches into a story of what her momma used to tell her. Always carry a quarter, Anna's momma said. So you can call someone. "But now, a quarter don't even buy a phone charge. Hee." Wow, Anna is high! A lot of things are different now, Anna. Phone calls are thirty-five cents. And they have these new things called cell phones. Oh, never mind. Want some more candy? Sure you do.

Rezar helps Anna out of the car. She shudder-sighs, "Oooh!"

Kim, the purple-haired assistant, says she doesn't know what Anna is looking for. "Something close to Daniel's school? I don't know." You've been a great help, Kim. Not.

Anna and Howard stand outside one house. Howard asks what she thinks of the outside. Hey, way to be specific, Howard. She says it looks "Mexican," and he says, "Hispanic." Yes, it's from the later period of Hispanic architecture, you ninny. Anna says she doesn't know, it looks like a "cana-bana. Ca-BAH-na?" Howard says, "Cabana." I say, "Oy."

Kim says more about the house-hunting process: "The thing about Anna is she knows what she likes. If she doesn't like something, she's gonna tell you. She's not gonna settle. I mean, this is a house." Kim? You can shut up now.

Anna decides the house is too small, and goes back out to the black SUV. She sits behind the wheel and asks that someone teach her to drive. Whatever it is she's on, she should not be behind the wheel. Not even behind a Big Wheel. She shouldn't even spin the big wheel on The Price Is Right. Howard comes up to her and says excitedly that some kids just asked if they were filming a porno. Anna is all, "Oh yeah, I'm doing a porno with, one, two girls, and five guys, yeah, I'm doing a porno with seven people, and my dog. Fun porno. Woo!" Her boobs are big, yo.

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Anna Nicole Show

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