Anna Nicole Show
The Eating Contest

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Bobby is like a director of a play that wants to sit onstage after the performance and participate in the Q&A. What I mean is, he can't let the work speak for itself -- he wants the limelight. Bobby also wants to narrate the unloading of the truck, which the E! camerapeople seem willing to accommodate. Bobby flings his leopard scarf around and screeches his favorite word, "Luxurious!" What, "sumptuous" isn't good enough for you now? Bobby is happy to show the camera all the packaging that features his name, something he doesn't always do -- perhaps because there aren't always cameras around. But you can tell he wishes there were. Bobby says he loves "well-hung draperies," and Howard makes the lay-up by positing that Bobby loves a well-hung anything. Too easy. But it was there. Bobby has an orgasm about the "luxurious hardware, coming through, the luxurious hard. Ware." He asks an assistant to "hold the Chanel" sunglasses so he "can see the headboard." Wow, he's so proud of himself for having a pair of Chanel sunglasses. I can tell you for sure, without even checking, that Karl Lagerfeld is not. Amused. Other designers with cool sunglasses lines are probably heaving huge sighs of relief right now, and taking time out to prank-call Karl and scream "luxurious!" into his voice mail. I know I would. Bobby moans, "Oooh, GOD!" over the headboard, which looks only a little worse and slightly more cheaply and sloppily made than the stuff over at Trading Spaces. Like, it's padded orange velvet -- so the fuck what? Leather, I'd get excited about. Like Jack Osbourne's bed -- that is cool.

Anna, still getting inked, bites her finger and pouts for the camera. She says she got her first tattoo, a Playboy bunny, because she was "young, dumb, and drunk." Yeah, that excuse works exactly once. And your excuse now is…? Oh, she's "addicted" to them now. Sure. Could you get addicted to cooler tattoos? That would be great. Kim holds Anna's hand -- is it worth mentioning that Kim's hand is on Anna's boob? Anna asks that Kim "slap" her. Kim won't. Ooh, I'll do it!

Kim decides to get Anna's autograph tattooed underneath her Anna tattoo. She got the tattoo in the first place because "[Anna's] a great person and has done so much for [Kim] that [Kim] wanted to pay tribute." Wow. The music gets very Coldplay-esque, with a sad-but-thoughtful tinkling piano. Kim winces as the tattoo artist works. Me too.

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Anna Nicole Show

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