Apprentice: Martha
A Ridiculous Display

Episode Report Card
Keckler: C+ | Grade It Now!
Paging Bobbie Spencer

ANY-way, last time, Joe R did some awesome recapping and moderating for me -- thanks again, dude! -- Primarius won, Amanda and her eye got sent home, and Hateful Jim tried to make everyone think he's a nice guy by whispering a pep talk to Marcela. Not that I had any doubts about just how hateful he is, but this week we all found out what was behind that "pep talk," didn't we? Poor, naïve Marcela.

Hateful Jim rasps his way into the kitchen, where he congratulates himself in Dawna's presence -- aw, I missed you, Skeletor! -- about giving "[their] dear girl, Marcela" a pep talk. "I was LITERALLY telling her VERBATIM what to say," Hateful rasps. Really? You weren't just FIGURATIVELY telling her what to say? Ugh. Hateful is LITERALLY one of those people who LITERALLY uses "literally" incorrectly for LITERALLY their whole lives. LITERALLY. Literally. Liter. Ally. Liter. Ale. Damn, I need a beer. Dawna starts to ask if Marcela had anything to say, but Hateful Jim interrupts her with, "Not much -- a person like Marcela isn't really a threat to us." He laughs. "And I'm not doing it just for that reason. If I have any say in the matter [which you don't, dick], I'd rather have Marcela against me than Amanda." In his hateful, HATEFUL confessional, Jim says, "Sun Tsao said --" Hold the FREAKING phone! Sun Who? Oh, god, this is hysterical: it's Sun TZU, you ignorant, pretentious freak! Okay, clearly he's not talking about the cat, who wrote the oldest military treatise in the world that everyone at Starfleet Academy (as well as our Armed Forces today) studies. Clearly, he's talking about some OTHER Art of War-writing dude. Tell me, Hateful, what did this guy say? "Everyone observes the victory, but no one observes [Dubya-esque pause, during which you start to wonder if either an aneurysm or black hole of intelligence is taking place right behind his hateful eyebrows] the strategy that provided the victory," Hateful Jim says. "Hmm, well, I don't know about this Sun TSAO guy, but I do know what Sun TZU said, "All men can see the tactics whereby I conquer, but what none can see is the strategy out of which victory is evolved." I guess it's sorta the same thing. In a way. I like Sun Tzu's version better."

Hateful Jim blibbles in his confessional that he's got strategies up the ying-yang. In the kitchen he tells Dawna, "Marcela could become the next Martha Stewart. I GUESS?" and pulls a red-bottomed monkey face to exaggerate his incredulity. I shouldn't judge him, really, because I pull the same face when I say that Hateful Jim could become the next Martha Stewart. Dawna makes noncommittal noises around her mouthful of salad but finally says, "See, we're playing this so differently. You're doing the strategy -- you want the weakest players to stay, the strongest ones to go home --" "Whatever," Hateful Jim interrupts. No, not "whatever," "exactly." You've been cranking the same tune since the first episode. You know it, we know it, and that thing on your chin pretending to be the world's smallest soul patch-cum-zit knows it. Dawna says she'd rather go up against the best, because if she wins, she would then feel that it was actually a good win. I think Dawna needs to write her own treatise on the art of war. I'm serious -- all this virtue and fair-fighting nonsense? This is a reality show, not Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood. Although, if it were, Hateful Jim would totally be Lady Elaine Fairchild and live in a weird revolving museum that happens to be next to a platypus mound. And a rocking chair factory run by a chipmunk. Does anyone else think Mr. Rogers smoked crack?

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Apprentice: Martha




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