Apprentice: Martha
A Ridiculous Display

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Paging Bobbie Spencer

The (im)Clones ooh and ah over the gardens. Martha greets them: "Welcome to Paradise -- isn't it gorgeous?" She is so in love with herself, I'm surprised she ever gets out of bed! Ew. Anyone read Naked Pictures of Famous People? There's this whole bit about Martha Stewart's vagina and it's damn funny. After Martha waxes braggy about her estate for a while, she introduces some folks from GM, who clearly aren't the ones worrying about the thirty-thousand layoffs. The GMites will judge the (im)Clones as they create "an innovative launch display in a showroom to highlight and promote Buick's new Lucerne." They'll each get a dealership showroom of their very own, an office at some advertising agency, and a budget of sixty-five thousand dollars. The best display wins. Martha adds, "I'm leaving to go out of town on business." House arrest business. But she will be calling in for the results of the task. "Start your engines -- let's go, guys," Charles unfunnies. Martha leaves them with a dubbed thought: "I hope you put as much work into your showrooms as I do my gardens." If that means they're allowed to fertilize the Lucerne, Hateful Jim will only be too happy to provide the crap.

In their separate team cars, the (im)Clones brainstorm. Leslie, the PM for Matchstick, puts forth the BRILLIANT thought that people like things to be clever. Is that why people don't like you? Leslie confesses, "I've slowly started asserting myself and now the gloves are off and let's just go for it because I just don't have time for nonsense any more." Which nonsense are we talking about here? The nonsense of putting multiple bottles of salad dressing in people's carts? Or the nonsense of spending a bajillion hours brainstorming? Ryan comes up with the tagline, "It's that nice." He sees the set-up as an exquisite five-star restaurant with four people sitting at a table for dinner. The kicker is that the fifth guest at the table is the car with a napkin in its "lap." "The car's so nice you would have it to dinner," Ryan explains. I totally love it, but only in the sense that I can see it making an excellent commercial. You'd have tight shots of the people and food. The people would be talking about snooty things like beach houses and diamonds and then asking, "So what do you think?" Everyone turns to look at a yet-unrevealed guest and the camera pans over to show the car also "seated" at the table. The screen goes black and the tagline "Yes, it's that nice" appears above the Buick Lucerne info. I just don't know how they can pull all that off in a showroom. Marcela also loves the idea. Leslie is less enthused. "Let's not try to get the right idea the first time, let's just try a lot of ideas," she says. Would that be ten hours' worth of ideas, Leslie? In a confessional, Ryan expresses frustration over Leslie's stubbornness in the face of good ideas. "Putting a car at a dinner table is clever, not genius, but it's clever," Ryan says. "It's clever," Leslie allows. Primariusmobile. Dawna, in her third run as PM, hopes to grab another win. They brainstorm taglines like "Driven for Elegance," or "Driven by Elegance," that sound good...but they also sound familiar. I feel like there was a "driven to/by excellence" ad campaign in the '80s. They quickly -- by comparison to the soon-to-be-losing Matchstick -- agree on "Driven by Elegance." At the dealership showroom, Primarius examines the Safeway-brand dairy car. Hateful Jim crawls around on all fours and looks under the car, and suddenly I'm praying for an enclosed space and a running motor. Jim then gets into a staring contest with the car. "I like the front," he rasps, "it's very predator-esque." Does that mean it can see in infrared and has a mouth strangely akin to a vagina? Wow, two "vaginas" in one recap. To be fair, the first "vagina" wasn't even mine, it's Jon Stewart's. And now there are four. Hateful Jim then barks and growls at the car. Yeah, I don't know either. Maybe he wants to hump it.

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Apprentice: Martha

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