Hateful Jim attempts to make us forget how hateful he is by calling his pregnant wife and sweet-talking her. The baby voice he uses gives me major skeeves. Hateful Jim's wife is due any minute, and he won't be there for the birth, but it's okay, he says, because his wife wants him to be on the show. Can't say that I blame her -- if I was giving birth to Hateful Jim's spawn, I wouldn't want him anywhere near me either.
Early next morning, Martha calls the loft from her stables. Carrie answers and tells her that everyone is "sleeping mostly." "Well, I've been up for hours," Martha brags, saying she's just finished feeding her horses and is about to put them out in the paddock. You know, if I were a billionaire with horses to feed and paddock, I might be up for hours as well, but as it is, I'm not and I don't so I sleep in. By the way, being that Martha told Vanity Fair that she doesn't like her basic black horses turning red in the sun, what gives with her letting them out in the sun? Maybe morning sun is less damaging. She would know. Martha then tells Carrie that she wants everyone to meet her at a magazine photo shoot.
At the photo shoot, Charles and Alexis perfunctorily thumb through Martha Stewart Weddings magazines with Martha and talk about what the photo shoot should do. How staged can you get? Correct me if I'm wrong, but Chairmen of the Board usually don't have anything to do with the comparatively minor workings of the company. They're on the board because of money sense, not because they actually have informed opinions about weddings, fashion, flowers, food, or bedding. Martha thinks the next task "is really gonna knock them dead." The teams arrive, with Weather Girl Shawn strutting way out in front because she clearly has confused the shoot with a fashion show. Can someone please explain what the deal is with her raised collars? Is it some sort of weather person fashion secret? I don't see Al Roker or Willard Scott doing it. Ooh, but maybe, after they see her doing it, they'll start! She's such a trendsetter! If you're looking to set trends that are twenty years old. Martha welcomes them all, and after some boring and commercial-worthy background about Martha Stewart Weddings, she tells them that each team is going to be designing and baking an original wedding cake. Do you know what that means, Banana Bitch? It means actually using refined sugar, eggs, and, I'm thinking, flour. Each team gets their own baker and kitchen at the Culinary Arts Institute. After baking and decorating the cake, they will transport and sell the cake at a bridal fair at Michael C. Fina, a fancy-schmancy bridal registry and retail store. The teams take notes and -- EW! The Banana Bitch is squeezed into tiiiiiiight rolled up, cropped jeans, shod in red plasticky high heels, and toting a big ol' red plasticky handbag. I guess when you cut out all those things from your diet, you also cut out your fashion sense. Martha reminds them that the cake has to look and taste good and the team that makes the most money selling their cake wins. "And Alexis," Martha commands, "bring me a piece. Of each." Alexis forces an assenting smile on her lips. Why do I think that Martha's silent command is, "And none for you because you really can't afford to eat any yourself, my dear"? Not that Alexis is at all fat, it's just that she looks so much thinner on Martha and I have a feeling Martha is THAT kind of mother. Martha hopes that it won't be Matchstick facing her in the conference room. "Our guarantee it will not be," comes Weather Girl's voice from the depths of her popped collar and the layers of her sparkly lipstick.