Apprentice: Martha
Business Is Blooming

Episode Report Card
Keckler: C+ | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
Jimmy, Jimmy, Quite The Ninny, How Does Your Psychosis Grow?
For obvious reasons, this week, I had to come up with a cocktail dedicated to Hateful Jim. I wanted it to be preternaturally pink and frothy, sickening, slightly insane (I mean, egg whites? In a drink? Ew!), and 100% guaranteed to make you fully ill. Take this Keckler's Weekly Kocktail as you would take medicine, to make yourself better. Think of it as your (Hateful) Jim and Tonic.

Pink Lady
2 oz gin
1 tbsp heavy cream
1 tsp Grenadine
1 egg white
2 tsp fresh lemon juice

The Shake:
Combine all ingredients together with ice, and shake. Pour into overblown cocktail glasses and drink. Stay within sprinting distance of the bathroom in case the drink or Hateful Jim makes you gag.

So, I'm watching the show with Head Cheese and McCheese (who, by the way, brought her impressive knitting), and when we see the horse cantering toward Martha in the opening, Head Cheese bursts out with, "What -- did she, like, do her horse?" It was going to be that kind of night.

I know they always keep all the contestants in the credit sequence even if they've since been weeded out of Martha's window box, but I would just love it if they smacked a giant postage stamp over the face of each letter-receiving contestant.

Hateful Jim and Dawn return to the loft to squeals and "oh, my god"s." Dawn quietly walks in, but Hateful Jim...well, Hateful Jim must follow her with a loud "HIT IT!" The guys actually seem happy to see Hateful Jim, which completely lessens my respect for them. As Howie and that other guy, who isn't Internet David, hug Hateful Jim, Hateful Jim bellows, "Stop kissin' me -- last night was ENOUGH!" In the Hateful Jim confessional, Hateful Jim rasps -- he seems to have lost his voice, which I take to mean that either his voice hates him as much as we do, or that God also wants him to shut the hell up -- that he walked into the loft with the most obnoxious bravado he could muster and "just let loose on everyone!" Back at the loft, Hateful Jim takes the stage and decides he's going to tell them exactly what went down in the conference room. "You know what I said? I'm like, 'You know, Martha -- everything that you found repugnant and unacceptable for children in this book was a tyrannical, undebatable executive decision made by Jeff.'" Nice way to embroider the truth, ass. I hope you stick yourself on the needle and get tetanus. And Hep C. And rabies.

Weather Girl Shawn's jaw drops dramatically, but Hateful Jim has only just started to warm up his Cup of Insanity. "I have a message to Matchstick, and I have a message to Primarius, do not come after me in the conference room," Hateful Jim says in his confessional. As Marcela covers an incredulous smile with her hand, Hateful Jim announces, "What I did was I took the scythe, and the mighty oak stood before me! And I picked the scythe up and I CUT it at the ankles and it fell like a great timber!" Okay, first of all, he made that little speech accompanied by scythe-swinging and tree-falling motions, which is hateful enough, but second of all, a scythe? To cut an oak? Scythes cut easy things like wheat and people's Hateful heads. Axes? That's what you use on trees. And also people's Hateful heads. We cut to Carrie and hear this scary voice squeal, "Layayaya-taaaaaaaar biiiiooootch!" And now we cut to Hateful Jim bending back and wiggling one of his hands in a "hang loose" gesture. What a fucking freak. No one really knows how to react. A few of them confess that they think Hateful Jim is completely unpredictable and unstable. As Marcela continues to cover her mouth -- this time it looks like she's trying to hold her dinner down -- Hateful Jim holds up a bottle of water and yells, "The king is dead! Long live the king!" I can't even follow his metaphors anymore. Pied Pipers, oaks, scythes, kings...it's all a tale told by the Insane Village Idiot, full of noise and gibberish, signifying shit. Hateful Jim blathers that he just sent a man home all by himself. Uh, I think the fact that the story that Jeff wrote sucked, that the team lost the task, and that Jeff didn't listen to Martha's Good Thing of the week all might have contributed a little to that. But go ahead, Hateful Jim, you believe you did it all by yourself and maybe one of these days you'll send yourself right into a straitjacket. All by yourself. "I'm the architect of this," Hateful Jim boasts. Dawn calls him on his shit and tells him he's not the architect at all. "I see, and if I had told the truth, maybe someone else would have gone home instead of Jeff," Hateful Jim "threatens." "Oooooh," Dawn says, sarcastically, "buh-buh-buh-BUM!" Hee, I sort of love her now. Hateful Jim continues to rasp his stupid bravado in his stupid confessional how he's the most cunning person there. And that gets you where, exactly? Martha doesn't want cunning, she wants talent. She's not going to hire you for your cunning, even if you were subtle about it, which you totally are not. Hateful Jim tells Bethenny that all he wants to do is succeed in business, and that they're friends, so why doesn't she get his back. And then without waiting for an answer, he makes this weird Legolas-getting-off-his-horse face and oozes out of the shot. I'm sorry, I don't know a better way to explain the look. It's just that there's this scene in LOTR where they're all gathering at Rivendale for the first time and Legolas jumps off his horse and does this Valentino-esque mug as he looks up into the trees or something. It's hysterical. We rewind that scene all the time. However, I refuse to rewind Hateful Jim.

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Apprentice: Martha

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