Apprentice: Martha
Business Is Blooming

Episode Report Card
Keckler: C+ | Grade It Now!
Jimmy, Jimmy, Quite The Ninny, How Does Your Psychosis Grow?

Matchstick Van. Hateful Jim goes off on Dawn and tells the others that they need to get rid of Dawn. He even says something about selling her down the river, which means it's time for a....

Hateful Jim Metaphor Break: Pied Pipers, oaks, scythes, kings, Everest, and selling down the river.

Weather Girl Shawn rolls her eyes a bit and then says, "Babe, you cannot sell Dawn -- you cannot throw Dawn under the bus." Hateful Jim doesn't see why not: "She sucks! She's completely disruptive! She doesn't listen to the business model!" Weather Girl Shawn tells him he can't blame Dawn for their mess. Seriously, Weather Girl -- why the cowboy hat? To protect your hair from the paint? Wouldn't a baseball hat or a do-rag be easier to see around? Weather Girl Shawn pointlessly confesses to us that if you cross Hateful Jim, he's going to come after you with a vengeance.

Next day. Flowers arrive for Primarius, and Howie offensively lisps, "Excuse me! Excuse me!" while carrying an armful of bloomy things. They set things up. Howie affectedly claps his hands and lisps, "Let's move it!" What an ass. They're set up, and everything looks pretty great. They have big pails stuffed full of tall blooms, and a large, eye-catching front window display of a single arrangement. The whole team is dressed in black and they wait for the customers to show up. They pass out flyers and tell passersby, "Celebrity floral event today!" A woman comes in and blanches that the minimum floral arrangement is forty bucks. The camera pans to show smallish arrangements priced at one hundred fifty and one hundred ten dollars. Howie confesses that people are walking in and walking out, sans flowers but avec sticker shock. Carrie tells someone to start juggling or something outside.

Matchstick. Hateful Jim starts screaming, "Fresh tulips from Holland, boys! Fantastic premier tulips of the Netherlands!" SHUT THE HELL UP! They start selling the flowers at fifteen dollars a bunch. We already know they aren't going to win, so this blush of success doesn't mean much. Chuck confesses that they hired "three lovely girls" to canvass the neighborhood in Dutch outfits. We cut to one of the "lovely girls" prancing toward the camera in a Dutch outfit. Her blonde hair is in braids and the outfit...isn't too slutty, actually. I mean, it's short, but only about mid-thigh, and there's not a single crease of cleavage. Not that cleavage is the determinant of sluttiness -- after all, Ivana didn't need to show her nonexistent breasts to be slutty when she lifted her skirt for all of New York -- but the outfits just don't look that bad to me. They aren't even wearing stilettos. Two of the girls do a little Riverdancing for Marcela and Bethenny, who loudly encourage their Michael Flatley ways. Charles and Alexis observe. "I think the girls are on the wrong corner," Alexis mutters. "Depends on what they're selling," Charles comments. Alexis laughs. "We're selling TULIPS! TULIPS! New Yawk! Over heah!" Hateful Jim bellows in the voice that deserted him for a less hateful body. Dawn makes a sale of one hundred fifty dollars to some guy she calls their "VIP customer of the day," and adds, "If I ever see him again, I'm going to make out with him for three hours." What is that, like fifty dollars an hour? She's cheap. Charles confesses -- wait, where's his cigar? I didn't think he could talk without it -- that Matchstick's philosophy of "stack 'em high and stack 'em deep and move 'em out" is a good strategy. Well, sure, but they're still not going to win. Charles reminds us that Primarius has a totally different strategy, and we'll know at the end of the day who will win out. Matchstick's front window has been hand-painted with their street address and with tulips. It's so amateurish, it looks like Hateful Jim did the window painting in a fit of coked pique -- he didn't even stay inside the lines!

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Apprentice: Martha




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