Apprentice: Martha
Don't Touch That Dial

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Joe R: C | Grade It Now!
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Up Your Nose with a Retractable Hose

On to Primarius, where we see Dawna and Jim in their (fake?) driveway set, complete with the Soccer Mom Special vehicle, with the trunk open and everything. We're all set to head on out to Six Flags for the day, if only we could inflate the tires! Jim makes a joke about not remembering the product name (…Howie), and then interviews that he's "not nervous a lick." And that right there is folksy enough to get Jim a column on the back page of Entertainment Weekly. In the control room, Bethenny says she's "ready to Oliver Stone it," which is kind of annoying because it's her, but I'm a big fan of the concept of celebrities as verbs, so I'm cool with it. Howie, who is manning the quad-screen station that Ryan had for Matchstick, looks like he's ready to Brett Ratner it, because dude does not know what he's doing. As Charles "Sometimes a Cigar Is Just in My Mouth" Koppelman looks on, Howie explains how this button lets him speak to Dawna, and this button lets him speak to Jim. "Hey Howie, that was me you were talking to, not Jim," says Dawna into her mic. Heh. Howie keeps screwing this up, and it's funny because he doesn't care. Then, just as they're getting ready to go on air, Jim decides to bring the focus right to his ass. Jim says the control room is telling him to pull his pants down. Jim slaps his own ass, repeatedly. Dawna has a myocardial infarction right on the driveway. She interviews that she was scared Jim would make "crude remarks about his balls, about getting spanked" on live TV. Basically, she's worrying about playing the Mike Myers to Jim's Kanye West in the telethon to benefit the victims of Hateful Jim's awfulness.So the infomercial starts, and...Jim's fine. Jim and Dawna look like the Platonic ideal of casual suburbia. Bethenny, from the control room and with a humungo grin on her face, remarks that it's "insane." And it is, to the degree that Jim isn't doing anything Jim-like. Which would freak me out all the more. As Dawna starts lying (I hope) about how she has up to six air pumps just hanging around her garage (freak), Howie interviews about how the sales were not going all that well at first. Then Jim starts talking about his four-year-old daughter and how when they go to the beach, she wants to have her beach ball inflated right now. And here's where my big problem with Primarius choosing the air pump as a product comes into play. Because: you're going to buy it so you can inflate a beach ball? How many cartons of Marlboro Super Emphysemas are you smoking a day that you can't manage a beach ball? Also, if you own an air mattress, then you own a pump for that already. And I understand buying it for your tires, I guess, and basketballs, but I just don't see that many people seeing this on TV and going, "Ooh! I want that!" Yeah, the hose rewinder just rewinds a hose, but there's the goofy appeal of how it's water-powered (which I don't think was ever really explained, not that I'm on the edge of my seat about it), and the wooden box will look great in your anal little manicured back yard. As usual, I'm wrong because the air pump moved more units, as it turned out, but really: inflating beach balls?

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Apprentice: Martha

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