Primarius. Hateful Jim, Carrie, and Howie meet with the Sorvinos and make stupid jokes about machine guns. How many times has Paul Sorvino played a mobster? I mean, I know it's been a few times, but his Hollywood life hasn't been defined by that. Heck -- I tend to define his Hollywood life by the fact that he was Worf's brother. ["I'd have gone with Phil 'Big Daddy' Cerreta from L&O." -- Sars] Hateful Jim proposes the idea that the winning bidder gets to have their dog transformed for a day into a "working" dog on a set. Great, as if these New York social amoebas aren't bad enough with their million-dollar pocket dogs who have the same hairdresser, personal trainer, and manicurist they do; now you're going to transform them into Stage Pet Owners? Cripes. They say goodbye to Paul with one more asinine comment about machine guns.
Elsewhere, Bethenny and Sarah meet with Susan "Oh My God She Finally Won a Daytime Emmy" Lucci and her white powder puff of a dog. Sarah says their idea was for the winning bidder to have a shopping day with Susan, which would also include some dog and human spa treatments. Susan laughs hard, showing her hard white teeth. "Maybe a nice diva day," Bethenny adds. "Diva DOGGIE Day!" Susan laughs whitely.
On the set of Broadway's Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, Hateful, Howie, and Carrie talk about the winning bidder going to the show in a hired car and getting to meet the cast of the show. Joanna Gleason wants to know what, in their dream world, would they bid on. Well, a walk-on part, of course. Both John Lithgow (LOVE! LOVE!) and Joanna agree that might be doable. Hateful Jim blibbles, "To walk on stage at the end of Dirty Rotten Scoundrels? On Broadway? With John Lithgow and Joanna Gleason? That's HUGE! You can't buy that!" Except...they will. With their bids of...money? God, Hateful Jim is such a joke, Mickey Mouse has a picture of HIM on his watch.
Amanda, Marcela, and Dawna talk to Bruce Vilanch and that other chick about Hairspray. When Amanda suggests a rehearsal visit, front-row seats, and dinner with the cast, Bruce tells them they can probably do anything except go onstage. Did you see what they did with the subtle telegraphing of who would win? John Lithgow and Joanna Gleason were all about the winning bidder coming on stage in THEIR show. Bruce? Not so much. Amanda confesses that Marcela didn't do or add much to any of their negotiations.
Back to Early Dylan David, Ryan, and Leslie. They're at Merv Griffin's place, and the only thing to take away from this is that Merv doesn't like David taking notes on his laptop while they are talking. Charles's Cigar takes major note of this. Ryan confesses that David is too young to know how to act in a professional setting. Merv agrees to auction off a hotel experience with him in Scottsdale, Arizona: "Today it's 110 degrees there." Man, sand fleas, excessive heat, and old people -- how is anyone going to resist that? In a confessional, David defends himself by saying that, "as the tech guy," he thought he was doing his job by taking notes on the meeting with Merv.
At an Outback, Hateful Jim, Howie, Bethenny, and the long-suffering Sarah and Carrie bang glasses as they toast a win for them the next day. Carrie's annoyed because she wanted to make this a "working dinner." Hateful Jim says something to Carrie like, "You know what you want to eat? Is food important to people like you?" Okay, that was sort of funny even if it was totally out of line. Carrie ignores him and wonders if they are going to do any work. "No, we're pretty much going to get drunk and have sex." Start warming up that hand, Hateful. Hateful Jim tells the waitress that they are going to need a beer bong, a keg, and three bottles of Cuervo. "I can get as drunk as I want or I can say whatever I want now because I'm the project manager!" Hateful Jim screams in his confessional. At Outback, that classy restaurant of true gourmands, Hateful bangs his feet up on the table and fakes a burp. He's not even man enough to actually force a real burp out. "I'm either there or I'm gone, so we're going to do it full-tilt. If we go full-tilt and we win, I'm invincible," Hateful Jim blathers in his confessional. He is just SUCH a mess -- it's like turning on a Cuisinart without the lid! At Sarah complesses that Todd Oldham is their last client and he's an important one and they have to worry about meeting him the next day, so the drunk Hateful Jim plan is not a good one. While Carrie again tries to talk business, Hateful Jim pulls a face like he's Igor. Sarah also tries to talk business. In his HATEFUL Jim confessional, Hateful Jim says, "I've got, like you know, the two spinsters over here on my left, like nibbling at my ears with their 'problems' and their 'details' and 'their freaking type-A personality' -- let it go!" First of all, I don't think they'd EVER want to nibble at your ANYTHING, Hateful Jim. Second of all, I wouldn't shout "spinster" so loud around Martha. Wait, I retract that -- go ahead. Do it. Please. Hateful Jim "coughs," "Buzzkill!" and "Killjoy!" at Carrie and Sarah. Next, after Carrie bitches more about Hateful Jim in her confessional, Hateful Jim pulls this face. No, he REALLY pulls a face. I mean, he somehow elongates his chin and jaw so he seems to double the length of his entire face. It's so freaking weird. I think it's the most awesome thing I've seen on this show yet.