Apprentice: Martha
Final Approach

Episode Report Card
Keckler: C- | Grade It Now!
Clueless Joe Jackson

Hateful Jim Metaphor Break: Pied Pipers, oaks, scythes, kings, Everest, selling down the river, virus, roadblock, cancer, link, vizier, Babe Ruth, sheep to the slaughter.

Come on, Hateful -- what about "Have the sheep stopped screeeaming, Claaaaaariiiiiice?" How disappointing to realize that you aren't serial killer material. Bethenny wonders how can they not know. "They're just sittin' to await their fate. It's like, grind the axe," Hateful Jim says. He makes me tired. Does he know what it means to have an axe to grind? And just who is grinding the axe here -- the sheep? Him? Martha? The world? I guess he's telling a nameless executioner that it's time for him to grind the axe, but why can't he TALK like a normal person?! ["Or like an intelligent person? The expression is 'nose to the grindstone,' Hateful." -- Sars] Bethenny gets excited about the next task deciding the top four, and in her delight, she makes a rather gruesome face that would actually make a nice Halloween mask. Martha should really take a plaster of her. Bethenny confessionals that everyone else is getting tired, but not her. No way. She's pumped! She's energized! Don't be confused by those sunken eyes and skin that makes the Rocky Mountains look like chiffon velvet -- she's RARING TO GO! In the loft Bethenny says, "It will be embarrassing if we don't just cream them." "Creeeeeam theeeeem," Hateful Jim growls. Dawna walks in and looks over at Hateful, who has started to make more noises. The camera pans over to show him crouching and jumping on the counter in his bare feet, doing a fair impression of Mr. Peepers. All he needs is an apple and a diaper. Dawna and Bethenny exchange looks, knowing full well that Hateful Jim is pounding his chest just to get the cameraman to give him some love. Not the same love the cameraman gave Alexis, but some love all the same. Hateful Jim attempts to confessional that he's acting as crazy as possible to throw the others off guard, but I choose to ignore him. His "crazy" game has grown wearisome.

The Marthaphone rings the next morning, and Julia informs them that Martha will be phoning the loft's monitor from North Carolina to give them their next task. Is Martha actually allowed to leave the state?

The teams assemble, with Bethenny wearing this awful green silk blouse. It's totally one of those career-mom blouses from the '80s that comes equipped with its own tie, which, when you do tie it, ends up looking like a very dispirited sash. Martha tells the teams that they are going to create an in-flight video for Song, the Delta off-shoot that is trying so hard to compete with Southwest's no-frills airline success. But I'll tell you what, unless Song has flight attendants that make jokes over the PA about a particularly rough landing or have pilots that caution you not to bite the person next to you as the plane waits in line for take off, I don't think they'll be able to compete. The in-flight videos will be shown to a planeful of Song frequent flyers, who will then give feedback on each one. The video that is deemed most effective in promoting the ninety-nine-dollar leg from New York to L.A. will win. Each team will get actors and a production crew to help with their video, and they will also have access to Song executives.Ryan and Marcela take off first, babbling about how much FUN they are going to have on this task. FUN FUN FUN! As they walk to the car, Ryan screams out, "Paaartaaay in New York Citaaaaay!" Yep. He's going down. Ryan confessionals that with such a tight turnaround, they have to work on the go. They no longer have time to sit around and brainstorm a flock of ideas. Ryan tells Marcela about his idea to show a baseball player who missed his team flight. He's running through the airport and he only has a hundred bucks on him. But soft, what flight through yonder terminal breaks? It is going west, and Song is the one! …Shut up. Like Ryan's idea was so much more coherent. Oh, and Ryan's going to star as the baseball player. Even though they have plenty of actors at their disposal. Professional actors. Who can actually, you know, act. This is going to go well. After meeting their production crew, Marcela calls the Song executives and learns that their demographic is forty-plus females. Ryan chooses not to hear that wee little fact, and insists they go ahead with their idea of him living out his Natural dreams. He backs up his decision by saying that four of Song's twenty-four on-board TV channels are sports channels. "We need to promote the price, the destination, and the brand. I'm not worried about target audience," Ryan chronicles of a death foretold.

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Apprentice: Martha




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