Apprentice: Martha
Final Approach

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Clueless Joe Jackson

At Silvercup Studios, Primarius talks about who they want to cast in their commercial. Alexis and Charles walk in and observe. Charles thinks Primarius seems very organized and focused. He thinks they are taking it seriously that he and Martha are looking for Martha Stewart's apprentice. Hateful Jim goes over their casting choices: "She's the flight attendant, she's pencil skirt, twin set, he's Ralph Lauren --" "Okay, BIG PICTURE!" Bethenny interrupts him. Who travels in a pencil skirt? It's not really that comfortable on five-hour flights. I mean, I'm no slob when I fly, but I know how to be comfortable and not cut off circulation to various important places.

We see Ryan sleeping as his alarm goes off. He grabs the clock and says, "Oh, my god. I'm late!" He can't even repress a smile as he "acts." But then, maybe as a baseball player, he's happy to be late. Who knows. Ryan runs all over his bedroom in his tight, white, long boxer-briefies that gave lots of people palpitations, I'm sure. Marcela confessionals that Ryan isn't the best actor but that's okay because it's meant to be a comedy. At the shoot, Marcela tells him, "It was good, you're awesome -- you're going to get an Oscar after this." An Oscar Meyer, maybe. More shots of Ryan being a bad actor. Ryan confessionals that he always wanted to be a professional baseball player and this is his chance to feel like one for a little while. Clearly, they are laboring under the misconception that Ryan's Clueless Joe is going to be as successful as his Tide-to-Go Joe. Alexis and Charles check in on them. "Are you in your shorts?" Alexis asks, interestedly. Ryan tells them they are having fun with this one. Charles thinks that with Ryan as actor, producer, and director, he's trying to do too much. He also uses a baseball adage that I just don't feel equal to transcribing. "The ball just travels too quickly," Charles finishes. Especially if he's not wearing a cup. More and more takes of Ryan being late. Even the camera crew seems to be in pain as they watch this travesty. "Well, he looks good in a uniform," Charles says as he and Alexis walk out. JFK Airport. Song's chartreuse terminal that will make passengers airsick even before they board the plan. Ryan runs. Run, Ryan, run! Ryan's Clueless Joe calls his coach and tells him without any emotion that he missed his flight, but he'll figure it out with his hundred bucks. It's just so...bad. Marcela is really happy with it all. On the plane, Ryan yells, "Paaaartay!" and asks some actor dude where his headgear is. "No -- no headgear!" Marcela insists. Ryan cajoles that it's so funny, and makes the actor put it on. And he's not even drunk yet. Or IS he? The actor, who I guess is supposed to be a boxer, puts on his red headgear. Ryan laughs and laughs. Now for the take. Clueless Joe gets on the empty-but-for-three-rows plane and asks, "Did all you guys miss your flight?" "NO!" they bellow in unison. Clueless Joe steps over the boxer, who grabs him with his red boxing gloves and asks, "Why fly with the team when you can fly Song?!" And what team would a BOXER be on? Why do I even ask these things anymore? Ryan asks their cameraman how it looked. "It is what it is," cameraman laughs. Truer words were never said on this show.

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Apprentice: Martha




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