Apprentice: Martha
Final Approach

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Clueless Joe Jackson

Now we are treated, TREATED! to multiple shots of Ryan pulling beer after beer out of the fridge. Do you want to know what I think? Tough, I'm telling you anyway. I think that the camera guys were all, "Wait, Ryan, go back and get another beer -- we really want this shot, but we want a better one. Oops, the red button wasn't pushed that time! Do it again. And again. Just once more -- we like the look of the green bottle in your hand. Okay, we almost got it, so just one last time for luck. Wait, now walk by the counter and pick up the beer in your right hand. Got it -- great!" Marcela is now out in the kitchen with Ryan as he says, "I thinksthis'll work!" Marcela takes a step back. She's either repelled by his beer breath or trying to figure out what's on the paper he's plastering on his chest. "Ninety-nine dollars dot JKF --" Ryan starts to bellow. Marcela hushes him, because he's got the drunk volume pumped way up. "JKF to LAX: need we play more? Day-um!" Ryan is really impressed with himself. Marcela is trying not to laugh and also tell him that it makes no sense. "Day-um!" Ryan repeats. "It's a play on wordsss." Marcela again tells him it doesn't make sense, and leaves the kitchen. "A little bit of sense," Ryan says, and carries two beers out into the other room after a momentary struggle over which beer he should suck from first. "After the fourth Sapporo and the fifth Heineken, I had this great idea for the tagline: need we play more," Ryan confesses. Does he mean that his fourth beer was the Sapporo and his fifth beer was the Heineken? Because I don't think he's had nine beers. There hasn't been enough time. Ryan goes on, "Okay? Not 'need we say more,' not 'need we pay more,' but 'need we play more,' I mean, it's almost genius. I don't know what another seven beers will bring after that -- it's just going to get better and better." Yeah, we get it, Ryan. We've all been there, when the five pitchers of Molton Ice is telling us that sending an email at 3:45 AM to our Victorian Lit professor about a breakthrough we've had with Middlemarch is a genius idea. And when that genius idea had something to do with Dorothea's frigidity and the Molton Ice itself being somehow related...it's so not a pretty scene.

Ryan insists on mocking up his new tagline. He's definitely beer-goggling now. Marcela is not amused. She keeps telling him it makes no sense. "And then we're hitting it with 'play' and thenifyou jussay it, even ifitduzzint make sensss: 'Need we PLAY more?' It's frickin' geniussss," Ryan slurs. The camera takes care to expose his double-fisting. If Ryan were actually arguing that something could come out of their sports analogy and play, maybe it would work. But...no. Just no. Ryan thinks it's got "cadence." Ryan's got the same squinty smile on his face that my roommates and me dubbed the "Drunk Purdy Face" after one of our other roommates. Big, wide smile with mostly closed, happy eyes. Marcela follows Ryan out of the room and laughs that he's drunk. "So?" Ryan asks. "Yeah, so, need we drink more? Come on, it's perfect!" Ryan confessionals, "I know my judgment's impaired a lilbit. I wouldn't be driving anywhere tonightbut I'mediting a video. I'm trying to see it from a creative standpoint. Youknow, VincenvanGogh cut his ear off and made some beautiful art. So I'm having a couple of beersandmakingavideo, you know?" Dude, van Gogh was INSANE -- what's your excuse? Back in the editing room, the camera focuses on five beer bottles as Ryan slurs his way through another suggestion. He wants to pop some subliminal messages into the video. He also guarantees that no one else has done it. Chuck, the long-suffering editor, plays back the video with the Song logo flickering in the middle of a scene. "That is SOOOO SIIIIICK!" Ryan shrieks. "Who does that?!" "You," Marcela tells him flatly. "Right! Me, that's who!" Ryan agrees, glad they cleared that up. Ryan admits that it doesn't have anything to do with what they're doing, but he wants to see it one more time. Chuck does it again. Marcela doesn't like it but tells Ryan it's his call. "Just one piece of sublim -- sublimnilaization," Ryan Dubyas as though he's on the 2000 campaign trail. Marcela once again tells him it's his call.

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Apprentice: Martha

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