Apprentice: Martha
Final Approach

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Clueless Joe Jackson

Bedford. Martha curries and makes out with her horse as Primarius drives up. Dawna has never played Scrabble before, which Boggles me, but what can you do? My family had Friday night game night where we played every board game known to man and always ganged up on my father when he created blockades in Parcheesi. We also used to sabotage Clue. Dad would be all chuffed and proud of himself that he was almost ready to make an accusation, but, predictably, he'd leave to get more popcorn or Coke and we'd swap out the cards. Dad would draw himself up, lawyer-style, make his accusation, and we'd watch as he drew out the cards from the folder (we always called the dead guy "Mr. Peabody," but really, my sister and I mentally called him "Mr. Peebody" and giggled) and get confused as he consulted his sheets of Clue notebook paper to figure out where he went wrong. I don't know how many times we did it or how many times Dad faked his confusion, but it was loads of fun.

Martha welcomes Primarius into the cleanest stables since Hercules and compliments them on their constant wins. Martha then makes some weird carriage analogy that goes over Hateful Jim's and my heads. But at least I wasn't stupid enough to say, "Solo," as if anticipating Martha's train of thought, which had something to do with three abreast. Primarius mounts their rides in borrowed boots. Man, I was so looking forward to this team having to actually saddle the horse and force the bit in. I had this horse at Camp Little Elk who used to try and bite me when I saddled him. He took the bit easily enough, but the saddle seemed to be a problem. And because he was a male horse, when he peed, you had to stand up in your saddle to relieve his kidneys. It was totally embarrassing when you were in a formation show on the final day of camp and Patches had to pee in front of all the parents. Damn horse. I'm sure Martha ordered all her black Friesians to empty their bladders right before the camera crew arrived. Martha points out that Hateful Jim is leading them. They proceed through Martha's grounds and Martha says, "Oh, it's so beautiful -- it's like the Enchanted Forest!" Yes, your garden is Paradise and your forest is Enchanted. Next thing you know, you'll be speaking Elvish and wearing some sort of ring. Hateful Jim points out some daffodils to Martha's back and says, "It's like a meadow in the mist." Except that there's no mist. At all. Shut up, Hateful Jim. Hateful Jim says he was making his move with Martha and Dawna was in the rear, "bringing up last place." "Isn't this a gorgeous piece of property?" Martha brags. They all agree it's gorgeous. Martha points out a house in the distance: "Look at the owl house!" Um, Martha, when things are far away, they only look small; they aren't actually that small. After having plodded in walking gait the whole distance, they finally trot up the driveway. Whatever. Trotting hurts the dinners; cantering or galloping is far smoother. "That was a fun little trot we got in," Hateful Jim announces. Hateful? You give me the trots. Primarius and Martha gather around the Scrabble table. Martha attempts to explain the rules to Dawna, but she clearly doesn't get it. Martha tries to help Dawna build off Hateful Jim's "fluster," but Dawna is at a complete loss. Ironically -- or Burnettally -- Bethenny has "moral" lined up on her tray. Bethenny goes on that Dawna needs "special attention" and that she couldn't just be thrown in front of a Scrabble board. "I mean, it wasn't like chess," Bethenny goes on. "We weren't asking her to be Bobby Fischer." No, you weren't asking her to be anti-Semitic or live in Iceland, that's totally true. We get a montage of everyone having fun and then Primarius leaves. Martha tells them, "Ciao!" and they walk down the drive. "She's so cute," Hateful Jim condescends. "Whoever calls a boss cute?!" Martha demands, hand on hip. "I'm sorry," Hateful Jim vamps. "How did you hear me?" That anklet has built-in speakers.

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Apprentice: Martha

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