For the past four days, I have been sicker than anytime since before I came to California. It started off as a dry throat, progressed to an intensely sore throat, and then made its way up my face, where it settled firmly in my ears, eyes, and sinuses. And it's all because I made a huge mistake. Normally, whenever I feel something coming on, I make bleary eyes at the Evil Dr. Mathra, who bustles out to the kitchen to whip up one of his restorative Hot Toddies. I don't know if it's the Vitamin C punch the lemon juice packs, or the antiseptic qualities of the Wild Turkey bourbon, or the moisturizing effect of the honey on a sore throat, but whatever it is, after one or two of those, I wake up the next morning with nary a trace of my previous ills. This time, however, I made the SINGULARLY odd choice to avoid all alcohol, and look where it got me: I can't speak beyond a transvestitish croak, my ears are so full of god knows what that I can't hear a damn thing above the weird hum in my ears, and I've got this horrid twitchy sniffle that makes me want to shove a pencil, kabob skewer, or Zome strut UP my NOSE, oh god, just give me something to stop the perpetual tickling feeling of a perpetual sneeze coming on that NEVER ACTUALLY DELIVERS ON ITS PROMISE! Wah.

Make sure you don't get yourself into this pathetic state, and mix yourself this week's Keckler Kocktail:

Dr. Mathra's Totally Hot Toddy

1/2 cinnamon stick
2 whole cloves
Juice from 1/2 a lemon
1 jigger (1 1/2 oz) bourbon (I'm not exactly sure why we get Wild Turkey bourbon, but it's always been Mathra's preference. Feel free to make your own choice.)
Boiling water
1 tablespoon honey, preferably local

The Shake:
Crush the cinnamon stick and cloves slightly. A mortar and pestle works well for this, as does the bottom of a heavy pan. Put the spices in a heatproof glass or mug and squeeze in the lemon juice. Add the bourbon and pour in the boiling water to fill the glass. Stir in the honey and serve very hot.

Drink it because it's chilly, drink it to ward off sickness, or just drink it because Hateful Jim is clearly being kept on this damn show not because he'd be a good addition to MSLO, but because Mark Burnett climbed up some mountain, chiseled a few stone tables, threw around lightning and noise, and commanded it. And I'm not naïve -- I know his ridiculous antics make for good TV, it's just...why does it have to be my TV? I guess at this point, I really wouldn't mind him sticking around a bit longer as long as he doesn't get kept in favor of someone else I actually think is cool. Like Howie or, after this episode, Marcela. Just promise me something? Promise that the bitch-slappiness of his eventual ousting will be directly proportional to his insane obnoxiousness, okay? PLEASE!

In the loft, Hateful Jim tells Primarius that it got ugly in the conference room, and he predicts that Leslie will be back and Dawn gone. Marcela bitches about how terribly her team has been doing and that it made her feel so bad, she wanted to go home. Leslie and Bethenny return. Leslie's face breaks into a broad smile as people in the loft cheer, but Bethenny keeps her baked bitchface on. It sort of makes me respect her more. I mean, after that hug she and Dawn shared last week, maybe she doesn't feel like exulting and celebrating her ousting. Suddenly, the Martha phone begins to ring and everyone gets worried. It's Julia to tell them that everyone has to return to the conference room. "What happened? What's going on?" Hateful Jim calls out as he's making sure to quickly change clothes. Various people bellow, "Conference room! Now!" "She said now!" "Now!" "We're going now!" Wait, when do they have to go? Hateful Jim joins them, saying, "Now I finally look like a Martha Stewart employee!" What? No, seriously, what? He's wearing a tight, stretchy tee-shirt and billowy white pants. How does he look like a Martha Stewart employee? I really don't get it. He chuckles at Leslie and bumps his hip against hers. "You do," she tells him. Again: How? Hateful Jim thanks her and then as she walks out of the frame, he draws his hand back. He walks behind a pillar and we hear a SMACK! I do believe he just slapped Leslie's General Hospital ass. I'm sure his wife loved watching that. Then again, given that she encouraged him not to be with her for the birth of their child, maybe she's beyond thrilled he's slapping another woman's ass.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13Next