Apprentice: Martha
Once Upon A Time

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Skittles and Vittles

Martha adds, "But I had lost my identity being in the shadow of a huge company like Time-Warner" -- Ooh! Ooh! That happened to me! I also lost my identity being in the shadow of a huge company that was Time-Warner! I am just like Martha! -- "so I borrowed eighty-five million dollars and I bought back the magazine...and overnight, I became America's first female self-made billionaire." Okay. I am not like Martha. Martha tells us that all those billions felt "really good" and drives off in her slate-gray Suburban.

Now comes the part where Martha admits -- no, not her guilt or her lies -- that the climb to success hasn't always been easy. We get voice-overs of the press talking about Martha's legal problems and shots of her going to and from court. Tonight's Martha brushes all this off and, walking into her building, she tells us that she never lost her optimism and that now she's looking to add to her team. She is now standing in front of a wall of paint chips. "I'm looking for someone with big creative ideas -- possibly even ONE big idea. I'm looking for a team player because that's how we work here. I'm looking for...The Apprentice." I find it interesting that they always show Trump entering his buildings by stepping out of chauffeured cars, proceeding down red carpets, and stomping through gilded doors, but in this show, Martha is shown driving herself into the city, parking in the garage, and taking a freight elevator to Paint Chip Foyer. (Not to be confused with Paint Chips Forever, which is the name of her rap band.)

Ugh -- more montage. And we aren't even at the theme song! This montage -- a walk-through of part of her offices -- bugs me the most. I guess because it's so obviously contrived and staged. Not that I expected it to be spontaneous and unplanned, but it's more than a bit cheesy. The fingering of fabrics -- I was giggling over so many Living Drones having naptime-ready stripy pillows on their desks until The Evil Dr. Mathra pointed out that it was probably for product research, after which I had to hit him -- the proclamations that her name on the page had to be "BIGGER!" and the "I love that -- don't you?" or "This is my favorite!" about various things are kind of stupid. This better be a one-off montage because I'm not recapping it again. Martha explains that the Martha (im)Clones will be sleeping, scheming, drooling, and fighting in a loft right next door to these spacious, light-blasted offices, and doing what reality show contestants do best. Which is sleeping, scheming, drooling, and fighting.

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Apprentice: Martha

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