Apprentice: Martha
Once Upon A Time

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Skittles and Vittles

The (im)Clones wait tensely, hating each other. Martha walks in and chirps, "Hi!" sort of cutely. Shawn, crimsoned weather girl extraordinaire, leaps to her feet and shoves her hand at Martha. Martha shakes it briefly. Another (im)Clone sticks out her hand, but Martha bypasses it and tells them that she will meet them all inside presently. Dude, that (im)Clone got DENIED! Just as though it was CLASSIFIED! I just made up my own little rap. Maybe Martha will break it down for us later. Everyone follows Martha to the conference room, and Martha welcomes them all. She introduces Alexis and "Charles" -- her chairman of the Omnimedia board -- as her eyes and ears of the show. Martha impresses upon the (im)Clones that she alone makes the ultimate decision about who will stay and who will be composted. Martha invites Alexis to talk a bit about herself. "Well, I am here because I know my mother better than everyone," Alexis says. This garners a hearty and oddly synchronized courtesy laugh from the (im)Clones. "And I was the original Apprentice" -- more oddly synchronized courtesy laughs -- "and I haven't been fired yet," Alexis finishes. The (im)Clones are almost crying with courtesy laughter now. "Charles" is less interesting. He's Charles Koppelman, who spent years in the music business, creating the world's largest independent music publishing company. Just over a year ago, he joined Martha's company. And this is where "Charles" gets "interesting." He notes to Martha that it's a small world and turns to one of the contestants. "Bethenny? Do we know each other?" Bethenny raises her bedraggled eyes and smiles, "Yeah, I think so, we do." Martha stagily snaps her head back to stare at Charles. "So, did you know that I was involved with Martha Stewart?" Charles asks. "No! No!" Bethenny gasps. "And I had no idea that you had applied for The Apprentice," Charles states. For the record. Martha asks Charles to explain himself. Charles says that Bethenny is a friend of one of his daughters and they met sixteen years ago. How, if she's a friend of one of his daughters, could Charles not know she was applying? Whatever. I'll go with it. "I just want you to know, Bethenny, I've been in business my whole life and the truth is, if you're a great apprentice, you'll have the same opportunity that everyone else has to win or lose," Charles states. For the record. "Thank you. Thanks for saying that," Bethenny states. For the record.

Martha gets down to hand-forged brass tacks and, being Martha, explains the Renaissance origins of apprenticeships. I don't think Donald even knows how to pronounce the word "Renaissance." Martha goes on about looking for the right individual to work with her and create something big, and how they don't have boardrooms at her company ("Charles" nods at this statement. And he's holding an unlit cigar. For the record. I'm sorry, I can't seem to stop), and how they have conference rooms, and how the teams will be taken to task in that very conference room with the lovely square-potted moss on the table. Martha wants them to have fun, but she also wants every single one of them to succeed, which isn't actually possible, Martha. Martha, Alexis, and Charles wish them all luck. You can hear Jim screaming, "Thank you!" above everyone else.

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Apprentice: Martha

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