Apprentice: Martha
Once Upon A Time

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Keckler: C+ | Grade It Now!
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Skittles and Vittles

In the Excitement Confessional, Carrie yelps that her meeting with Martha was the culmination of everything she is and everything she "[has] worked up to [sic] this point in [her] life." I rather hate the Excitement Confessionals -- the wind is always blowing and so is the hyperbole. Note that Carrie is wearing blue and green in Martha's famously signature shades here, so either she's doing a subliminal suck-up or Martha is as obsessive about color-coordinating the (im)Clones as she is about her pets.

The (im)Clones enter their loft, and shrieks abound. Don't these people watch reality shows? Because I can't remember the last reality show that didn't have an unrealistically swank pad, so the surprised shrieks need to cheese it. Immediately. I wonder how breathtaking they'd really think it was if they had watched the Martha episode where she and Donald do a walk-through of the loft and exposit that most of the stuff comes from Kmart. The (im)Clones pour out the champagne and Carrie bellows, "Let's propose a toast to All Good Things!" Aw, toasting the finale of Star Trek: The Next Generation! She must be a Trekkie! Shout-out to Keckler! "To good things," Carrie hurriedly corrects herself. Oh, fine. Among the bottles of champagne, they find a note from Martha welcoming them to the show and their new life as (im)Clones. Martha's message also instructs them to divide themselves into two teams of eight. People groan, and one (im)Clone's jaw drops. Again, don't they watch reality shows? Can someone explain what it is they find so shocking about that instruction? Martha asks her (im)Clones to find something that each team has in common and get ready for the first task, beginning tomorrow. In the Bitch Confessional, Carrie bitches, "We were all in the party mode -- we wanted to settle in and really enjoy this BEAUTIFUL [Kmart] loft and all of a sudden, we're back to business." Um, freak show? Why do you think you're here?

An (im)Clone brings over a large fruit and cheese board and, well, let me see -- I recognize a wedge of Shropshire (also called "Orange Stilton" by cheese mongers), possibly a lovely bit of Garrotxa, and what looks like a Pee-Wee Pyramid from Cypress Grove. However, knowing Martha, that truncated pyramid is more likely to be the currently fashionable Soyoung Scanlan's Acapella from Andante Dairy. I prefer the Pee Wee Pyramid, personally. The (im)Clones demand to know more about Bethenny's unique connection to Charles, so Bethenny explains that not only did she live with his daughter in Paris, but she also dated his son. And they chose to leave out that little tidbit in the conference room? So, this is where we're also going to learn that Bethenny was surrogate mother to Charles's sister and brother-in-law, right? And that she gave one of her kidney's to Charles's dog? The (im)Clones all react. Howie, who I think is sort of charming, comments in the Bitch Confessional that he thinks Bethenny's connection to Charles could actually turn out to be a disadvantage, since Charles will go out of his way to not show favoritism. Given that the press caught hold of this tidbit before the show even aired, I knew they would have to deal with it early on. Now, they've dealt with it, I'm over it, and I hope we move on, because I just don't think Bethenny's past is scandalous enough to matter. Especially since the stripper's past over at The Donald's show makes Bethenny look like Sara Crewe and Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm rolled into one and frosted with drippy pink icing.

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Apprentice: Martha

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