Apprentice: Martha
Once Upon A Time

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Keckler: C+ | Grade It Now!
Skittles and Vittles

The (im)Clones attempt to divide themselves up into two teams. While they're looking for stuff in common, I really think they should consider how three of them sport the same tired hip-to-be-square glasses. The (im)Clones finally decide to divide up into corporate and creative. "Can we just have the corporate people move over here and the creative people go over there?" Carrie screeches, flapping her hands around. "Can we just have the corporeal people move over here and the wraiths go over there?" The Evil Dr. Mathra screeches, also flapping his hands around. Corporate vs. creative. That's so stupid! Have they forgotten where they are? I mean, where do they think Martha would file herself in such a situation? On the one hand, self-made billionaire; on the other, mailboxes made of walnut shells and Elmer's glue.

Jeff, of the Creative Wraiths, promises to be a dick when he says of his team, "I think there are some people who will either surprise us and be incredibly resourceful, or are going to be people who need to be babysat." To illustrate this, Jim is already jumping. A lot. The Creative Wraiths, not happy with the name I've chosen for them, sets about brainstorming their company name. They want something "very creative" and "very Martha." Original, these Creative Wraiths are. Still, for the moment, Jim announces, "All right, I thought 'Team Go.'" Who in the what now? That's totally corporate-speak. I think he's on the wrong team. In more ways than one. No one likes the name, something that Jim exclaims he knew would happen. Then why did you suggest it, buttmunch? Someone shouts out "Flair." Jim comments, "Flair? Flair is so frilly!" and limply waves his hand around. Oh, boy. Oh, BOY! Dawn is already expressing some concerns over Jim in the Bitch Confessional. "Flair makes me feel like a limp-wristed sissy-boy," Jim goes on, either being really ignorant about the other men around him or trying really hard to make sure his comments are so shocking that they make it to tape. And if you can't handle the word "Flair," maybe you should take off that pink tie, sissy-boy.

Jim butts heads with Dawn when she gently tries to tell him that she can't think with him yelling so much. Jim waves her aside and tells her to go ahead and think. In the Hateful Jim Confessional (because he gets one all his own), Hateful Jim states, "I've always had a problem with people who want to CONTROL my actions. You don't CONTROL my actions. I CONTROL your actions. Get it right." Suddenly? I just feel so sorry for his wife and kids. I also have an inexplicable desire to send them brochures for a good halfway house. Hateful Jim is so not done being an idiot as he tries for another name: "Does anyone like 'The Mamas and the Papas'? Because that's one I've had in my head for years and I don't know why." You've had it in your head "for years"? I'm for you. While the rest of the Creative Wraiths look like they're about to puke -- Dawn even seems to dry-heave a bit, but that might be because she needs a banana -- Hateful Jim raucously guffaws, "Hah hah hah! I'm just kidding!" Dude, what is WRONG with you? People, there's something we do regularly at Ye Olde Stanke Cheese Shoppe with cheese that has gotten spotted, fuzzy, and nasty. We scrape it down and toss the trash. That's clearly what needs to be done with Hateful Jim: just scrape him down and toss him out.

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Apprentice: Martha




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