Apprentice: Martha
Once Upon A Time

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Skittles and Vittles

Times Square. Primarius abduct some kids from the street.

While Howie reads their Jack and the Beanstalk Pays a Totally Normal Visit to Davy Jones's Locker to the street kids, a blonde Primarius (im)Clone flashes sketches for them. "From the moment the story started, the kids were engaged!" Carrie announces in the Bragging Confessional. With her statement, we get a close-up of what else is keeping the kids engaged: big-ass chocolate chip cookies. Cryptically, Carrie also comments, "They liked having a man tell the story, so we knew that Howie would be the reader." From his sitting position, Howie imitates some swimming moves for the kids and gets them to swim along with him. It's a bit cute. After the story is over, Sarah -- another blonde (im)Clone -- asks the kids what they thought of the story and what their favorite parts were. Some poppet says she liked it when Jack got chocolate from the chocolate castle. Chocolate underwater? Now, I find that really hard to believe! Overall, the kids seemed to like this weird story and Primarius is happy. Charles provides unnecessary comments in the Charles Confessional about connecting with the children. Carrie worries that Matchstick will still out-creativize them.

Matchstick 20. PM Jeff gets up to read the story, "Hansel refused to be called by that name. He thought it was goofy, uncool, and lame. So Hans brought his bag and a package of Skittles in case he got hungry and needed some vittles." Skittles and vittles? Talk about "goofy," "uncool," and "lame." As PM Jeff reads on, Matchstick 20 doesn't look thrilled. In the Bragging Confessional, PM Jeff explains, "Once we decided on our story, we had to figure out how we were going to tell that story. Rhyme is a relatively sophisticated and, let me tell you, a very difficult thing to do." But still, "Skittles" and "vittles"? PM Jeff figured that once they cracked the rhyming code they would outshine everybody. PM Jeff finishes his read and announces that he thinks it's good. Dawn wonders what sort of message they are sending by telling the kids that if they don't like their names, they don't have to answer to their parents. "You know what they learn?" Marcela asks. "Is that they can leave the house by themselves and they'll make it back." I believe that is supposed to be a critique of the message, even though her delivery was a bit off. "It's trust of strangers and missteps and, in my opinion, that would be a very dark story," Hateful Jim says, being reasonable and de-coked for once. "I disagree! I disagree a hundred percent!" PM Jeff announces. Marcela -- in the same Martha-ish blue-green shades that Carrie confessed in earlier -- says that the story wasn't funny for kids and it wasn't attractive for kids. Marcela says that the team told PM Jeff exactly that, but he wouldn't listen. Cut to PM Jeff saying, "Shut up right now and listen so we can get through this!" In the Hateful Jim Confessional, Hateful Jim says that PM Jeff laid down the law and started making executive decision after executive decision after executive decision. By the way, Hateful Jim must have gotten back into his stash, because each "executive decision" is punctuated by violent arm-waving. So, we see PM Jeff making executive decisions ad infinitum in a very assy way. PM Jeff waves the sheaf of papers, saying, "I could spend ten hours working on this and I am happy with -- this is what floats my boat." Dude, I think you're gonna need a bigger boat.

Still Matchstick. PM Jeff says that after thirty hours of no sleep, he had a mock-up of the book. Matchstick crowds around to look at the illustrations. They appear pleased. "And since Dawn was going to be our reader, she had been home for twelve hours to prepare," PM Jeff adds in the Bragging Confessional. PM Jeff tells Dawn that he wants her to read aloud to them for practice. Dawn agrees, but asks if she can first grab some food. This sets up such a hubbub of complaint, you'd think we were back a few seasons ago with Raj and his Bagel of Discontent. "I said I want a banana before I talk, can you guys wait twenty seconds for me to run to the kitchen? I mean, whoa!" Dawn gripes. Bethenny seems to think it was a little shocking of Dawn to make such an unreasonable request for basic, life-giving sustenance. ["And if she'd wanted to wait until her rack of lamb was done, that would be one thing, but…it's a banana. Food doesn't get any more portable than that." -- Sars] In the Bitch Confessional, Bethenny says that they were all gathered around, ready to work, but Dawn wanted to get something to eat. "There's no sense of urgency for her -- it was so disrespectful!" You know what else is disrespectful? Those dinners of yours that are all but falling out of your ugly chevroned knit top. Get some class, Granola Girl. I mean, I would think you, with all your "Natural Foods" chefness, would realize the necessity of proper nourishment.

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Apprentice: Martha




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