Apprentice: Martha
Swimming Against The Tide

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Sarah and the Primarii "brainstorm," and the downward tootlings of the Bassoon of Doom tell us that they aren't going to win. So does Sarah telling Bethenny that they aren't on the same wavelength. Is it just me, or was the losing team not as telegraphed in previous seasons of The Apprentice? I seem to remember them making it fairly ambiguous and going out of their way to show each team having equal successes and failures as the task went on. Charles's Cigar enters. Hateful Jim and his diamond-striped Mr. Furley shirt interject, "Don't forget to focus on" -- he releases a handful of Tide-to-Go pens loudly and without metaphor on the table -- "the product." Sarah gives out assignments and then tells them to brainstorm silently. "Real genius happens when there is patience and quiet brainstorming -- that's when people really collectively come to an idea," Carrie confesses, flipping her wind-whipped hair. You're wrong -- Real Genius happens when Val Kilmer turns a professor's house into Chez Jiffy Pop. Also, where was all this pontificating about "patience" and "quiet" when my girl Dawn needed it? Blonde bitch. Sarah bites her thumb skin. The clock ticks down as though we were watching the Redskins beat the Eagles.

You know that prodding trick that chefs employ to test whether meat is rare, medium, or well done? Well, when you press on my hand, it oozes. What does that mean? Are you still hungry?

Martha's Good Thing o' the Week: What is the importance of branding? When it comes to cattle? Meat. When it comes to frat boys? Mean. When it comes to Martha? Meal ticket. "I'm Martha Stewart," She-Who-Must-Brand tells us, "but I am also a well-known brand." And a well-known ex-con. "When my name is on something, people know it stands for quality," Martha brags. Yeah. Or it's a news article talking about how your stock is in the pooper. But hey, it's quality poop.

Dawna is PM again, which once again makes her PM Dawna. Hee. Matchstick brainstorms and Ryan grins, "I got it! I got it! Build a blouse with [BLEEP!]." What did he say? Given that Ryan said they would make it "gender-specific" and PM Dawna's reaction that they shouldn't be thinking dirty and pornographic, I'm thinking he said "jizz." It didn't look like he said "shit," and let's face it, that would be more scatologically fetishistic than pornographic. Plus I don't know how it would get on a blouse. Thanks to Monica Lewinsky, we do know how the former could get on a blouse. Ryan rebounds with another idea to set up a boxing ring on the truck and create a superhero who "knocks out stains." Remember that: "knocks out stains." Okay? The team loves it. Alexis arrives in her denim jacket and says that she was about to come in, but then thought, "Hm, maybe I won't." But then she came in, so...? What? Was she afraid they'd make fun of her Sixteen Candles Lee Jeans jacket? Because I'm gonna. They tell Alexis their idea of Ryan being "the Tide guy" who fights the coffee stains on a chick's blouse. Ryan exhales loudly and does lunges by the table, which only serves to remind me of Joey going commando and putting on all of Chandler's clothes.

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Apprentice: Martha




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