Apprentice: Martha
Swimming Against The Tide

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Garage. Matchstick builds their billboard over the course of the long journey into night. Ryan shows them an orange body sock with a cape and tells them it's what he's wearing the next day. He scampers off to try it on for them. A few minutes later, fresh from the cell phone booth, Ryan as Tide-to-Go Joe comes bounding into the garage -- even attracting the attention of some very butch workers -- and shows off his costume. It's orange. It has a white cape. And it has tighty-blue-ies. They might even be Tick Underoos.. He even has black calf boots and black boxing gloves. Faster than a glass of Pernod! Stronger than a silent pee! Able to leap black tea in a single bound! It's a stain! It's spilled Bordeaux! It's...Tide-to-Go Joe! The girls laugh and laugh. Ryan's happy with his body and with his gloves. Can't say I blame him.

Primarius. Sarah and Carrie continue to live in a world where exposing CIA operatives will get them the win. Howie expresses his concern that they have no plan, but Carrie blows him off. In some scene, Carrie complains that she can't find her pen. "It's in your hair, babe," Hateful Jim tells her. "That's not a blue pen, it's a green pen," Carrie rebukes him. "Yes ma'am it is," Hateful Jim tells her, chastened. Oh, all right: heh. Carrie continues to fuss over her blue pen's milk carton status.

Primarius builds their billboard, which Sarah thinks looks excellent. Back at the loft, Sarah blathers something about the pen being "to go" and that their billboard is "on-the-go," so she wants people juggling the pen, moving it, dancing with it, et cetera. "Excellent," Carrie fluffs her. "Lame," the rest of the team and the recapper thinks.

Next day. The teams head out in their SUVs, billboards, and trucks. The Right Stuff-type music plays. They complain about parking, yet somehow, in Manhattan, both teams find somewhere to park a twenty-four-foot flatbed truck. Along with their accompanying SUVs. And it's specifically in a busy area. Yeah. Sure. Pre-arrangement of municipal orange cones weren't part of that deal at all. No sirree bob.

Amanda gets into the boxing ring and screams with her eyes closed. Which is probably good for her cancer eye. Well, maybe it's just business as usual for that eye. They hand out the stain pens. Amanda asks people to come and watch them battle Wine Stain (a chick in a burgundy leotard shadow punches a chick in a white halter dress), Coffee Stain (a chick in a brown bodysuit puts her dukes up at a business chick in an off-white linen suit), and Ketchup Stain (Marcela in a red bodysuit and tutu leaps on the back of some dude in cruise attire). They bang their boxing ring bell and call out the matches. Peter Arnell and his men in black sidle in to observe their buzz. Tide-to-Go Joe leaps in to save various people from their stains. You know how commercials for cleaning products pick the same special stains, like dirt, grass stains, and, of course, grape jelly, which seems to be the sandwich jelly of choice, and show how they can get them out? Well, how come they aren't casting their street performers in any of those soccer mom stain roles? I see. They're in New York. The city. So they must have the urban stains of coffee, red wine, and ketchup. Meanwhile, most urbanites send their laundry to dry cleaners without even knowing what the hell that dark mark is from. Speaking of "dark marks," how come they aren't showing blood -- the stain of both soccer moms and urbanites? Wait. Gross. I don't want to see Ryan fighting a bloodstain, so forget I asked. Ooh! Unless the bloodstain is Hateful Jim! I'd pay to see that. Ryan fights and knocks out Marcela's Ketchup Stain. PM Dawna says she wants to be the first person to win two tasks.

All Primarius does is scream, chant, and have Hateful Jim rap into a mike that no one should have ever given him, especially since he's always more than happy to dramatically wear his voice out. They repeat, "It's time for Tide-to-Go!" The street performers perform and the acrobats…bat. People on the street are seen walking by with their hands over their ears. Arnell and his Gentlemen arrive and frown at the proceedings. Bethenny bitches about their "desperate" efforts. "Primarius is going to win! Again!" Sarah prides. Later she trips and falls. Given the ear-splitting pitch of Carrie and Sarah's voices, it's clear that the both of them were either a. cheerleaders; b. sorority chicks; or c. fire trucks in a former life.

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Apprentice: Martha




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