Apprentice: Martha
Swimming Against The Tide

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Judgment day. Arnell fakes some talk with his "people" before Martha walks in. Arnell tells Martha that while one team might as well have stayed home, the other team "hit it out of the ballpark." Like, you're a brand inventor, dude -- why don't you go invent some more creative corporate-speak! The teams come into the room. Arnell is thrilled with Matchstick. With Primarius? Not so much. He says -- and I quote -- "I was completely and totally underwhelmed. I think there was a lot of chaos on the street." No, that was just Hateful Jim. "I mean, it was the most pathetic display from a communication program ever. In fact, I would have been removed from the equation with a client instantly if a client had seen that. It was almost damaging to whoever saw it today," Arnell goes on. "So," Martha says, wanting to be very clear, "this was a failure." "Yeah, it was actually a waste of my time to go over there," Arnell zings. Except that you were on TV when you went over there, so...riiiiight. I almost expected Martha to exfoliate salt into the blistered flesh by apologizing to Arnell for the wastage of his time, but all she says is that she's disappointed and will see Primarius in the conference room. Turning to Matchstick, she says that she really likes to get to know her employees, so she's inviting them over for breakfast at House Arrestford. Given that Martha sleeps about two hours a night and gets up at four AM for breakfast, I don't think that's much of a reward. Martha adds that Arnell is her neighbor and might be persuaded to join them at the plumber's crack of dawn for breakfast.

Matchstick drives to House Arrestford for their Martha breakfast. We are fed shots of Martha slopping waffle batter into a waffle iron, commenting "dee-licious," and topping off some cappuccinos with foam. In such a cold kitchen, I wonder how she keeps the food warm. You know, when I make all these disparaging comments about Martha's kitchen, it's really to hide my burning jealousy that I can't cook in my own ventless kitchen without smoking out the entire family or raising the apartment temperature to Gobi. I miss San Diego.

Matchstick arrives, Martha greets them, and they all ooh and ahh over her estate. Sitting down to breakfast, they all ooh and ahh over her food, but their paroxysms of delight are clearly not enough, because Martha asks, "How does the waffle taste?" If they told you "dry and uninspired," would you believe them? Then why are you asking? Peter Arnell creeps up behind Martha to "surprise" her. Arnell goes on about how much he was impressed by the team. "He does not say that often!" Martha crows. Amanda gushes over Arnell and Martha's collective genius in a confessional. "Can I have piece of your sugar bun, PLEASE, Marcel-la?" Martha asks. Damn -- taking the food right off her plate! Marcella's eyes glaze over as we hear her confessional: "Martha asked me for a piece of my sugar bun. This is UN-believable. It's such an intimate experience to be sharing with her!" More like a GREEDY experience. Damn, Martha, don't you have enough money to front your own sugar bun? "Aren't those sugar buns dee-licous?" Martha asks. It's impossible to know whether she made them or any other part of the meal, but given that it's Martha, I would lay serious money that cooking breakfast for seven people is no real sweat for her. Especially considering what Vanity Fair said about her cooking all the time for whatever crew or workers were in her house. Therefore, snatching Marcela's sugar bun from her mouth is even more grabby!

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Apprentice: Martha




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