Apprentice: Martha
The Empire Strikes Back

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Return of the Jimedi
Martha's daytime talk show, Martha, has become painful. PAIN. FUL. I am just full of the pain when I watch her awkwardly interact with her guests, stepping all over whatever they're saying, ordering them around her kitchen or impromptu potting shed, telling them they suck when they do something wrong -- it's awful. The Marcia Cross appearance, a.k.a. the first episode? Lovely. Hysterical. Well done. However, this week's show with Nobu? Well, let's just say that Martha spent a ridiculous amount of time comparing the cut on her hand to Dave Letterman's (WHO WASN'T EVEN THERE!), saying that hers was worse than Dave's, and because of that, Dave needs to come on her show. We're talking scar one-uppance, people. With Martha Stewart. What's that about?

On the same show, Alexis was in the back making caramel almond popcorn with Jennifer Koppelman, who was tossing Martha some DELIGHTFULLY nasty looks whenever Martha intruded her big, nosy camera in on what they were doing back there. Martha even had the gall to insinuate that they were just standing around doing nothing! You can bet Alexis could show Martha some scars that would beat her ass. Emotional scars. Apparently, Alexis popped a Xanax before going on that show and thank god she did, since Martha basically said, "Alexis is tall, unmarried, divorced, and without children, so what does she have in common with Jennifer, who is less tall, has two kids, and is married to that handsome man in the front row?" I kid you not. And did you know that when Alexis broke her arm, Martha's reaction was to laugh? Martha admitted it was a strange reaction to have, but, people, she LAUGHED WHEN HER KID BROKE HER ARM! Insanity.

Anyway, on to this week's show, which I am typing without my left thumb, having nicked off the top while slicing scallions. I'm really a mess in my kitchen, aren't I? I've already bled through three Band-Aids. Hey, Martha, you should let me interview you for Television Without Pity, since my scar took off much more surface area than yours and will probably require a skin graft! I'll bet you didn't bleed through four Band-Aids. Make that five. …Six. Maybe I need stitches.

To that end, I should thank all the concerned citizens who wrote in with burn remedies. I got advice that ranged from "don't use any ice at all" to "use ice, ice, and only ice." If I didn't write you all back to personally thank you, just know that I am touched and grateful for your concern.

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Apprentice: Martha

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