Apprentice: Martha
The Finale

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Keckler: D+ | Grade It Now!
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Here Comes the Dawna
For my final Keckler Kocktail, I'd like to bring back one of my classics. Around six years ago, the only way I could slog through the tripe that was Jennifer Jugs Hewitt's new show was to consume large amounts of Pimm's. Pimm's Cup is a fabulous British drink that is primarily drunk while watching cricket (eases the bored confusion) in the summer. I like to bring it out for winter parties and infuse everyone with the taste and memories of Cambridge summers.

Pimm's Cup of Joy

3 oz. Pimm's No. 1
4 or 5 mint leaves
2 fresh strawberries, sliced
Lime quarter
Sprite, 7-Up, or Collins Mix

The Shake:

In a tall glass, add Pimm's and mint leaves. Use a muddler or the handle of a wooden spoon to crush the mint leaves a bit. Toss in the strawberries and lime quarter with some ice cubes, and fill the rest of the glass with Sprite/7-Up/Collins Mix.

As the fin-ah-lee opens to the hearty strings of "OHMIGOD WHO IS GOING TO WIN? DO YOU KNOW? DO YOU KNOW? WHO COULD IT POSSIBLY QUITE EVEN PROBABLY, WHO COULD IT POSSIBLY DAWNA BE!" we get a little note at the bottom of the screen says, "Recorded from an earlier broadcast which included live elements." I would be far more excited if it included live fish. After Martha toolishly ascertains that Charles and she herself are "ready" (no one seems to care if Alexis is ready, but that's likely because when asked, Alexis responded, "To get the hell outta here? Yeah, I'm ready!" That was probably not one of the live elements), they all drive off into the night. I know Martha is quite proud of her "colors," but the way she's working that orange smock thing makes me think she's preparing to disembowel a pumpkin. It's a tent, it's boxy, it's not flattering. On the car ride over, we are treated to various unfortunate in-car shots of Charles, Alexis, and Martha RETELLING us that it's all up to Martha to choose her Apprentice. How can I be this bored this early in the show? Martha notes, "This is going to be very exciting for everyone." Except for me. And I'm guessing that Bethen-- oops, I'm sorry, that the loser will not be so excited once it's all over. The Marthacar pulls up to a HUGE billboard of Martha advertising her daytime show, Martha, and we are treated to Alexis, Charles, and Martha walking right under what is basically the billboard Martha's crotch. I'm sorry for all you delicate flowers out there, but if Billboard Martha weren't standing with her legs spread apart, it wouldn't look that way, but she is and it does so deal with it. Lord, speaking of legs, what is Martha (the real one) doing to hers? She's encased them in some sort of shiny, black disco pants, which actually? Look like Glad trash bags. And Tom Bosley is just itching to shake them around. Does that sound dirty? Alexis, Charles, and Martha walk onto her set to the "Sweet Dreams" music. Bored. The camera pans the audience and we see that all of the misfitted (im)Clones have been installed in the audience. Martha reminds all of us why we are here. Seriously, Martha -- would anyone voluntarily be watching this last show if they didn't ALREADY KNOW WHY WE ARE HERE? We are treated to a recap of what happened last week, with Bethenny's circus and Dawna's fashion show. In short, both had the appearance of being in the toilet.

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Apprentice: Martha

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