Apprentice: Martha
The Finale

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Here Comes the Dawna

Martha calls Dawna to attention and tells her she will be working at Body + Soul magazine out of the Boston area. Martha then tells us that if we really want to help Dawna be a success, we can subscribe at a special rate. Always with the commercials on this show! We now get a video of what Dawna's job really will entail. After telling us how great the magazine is and crap, we learn Dawna will join the staff of Body + Soul as developmental director. She will be responsible for working with national advertisers and marketing teams and will help the magazine grow into an even bigger business. Martha says they are looking for fresh, new ideas for living whole and living well. If I just want to live half or a quarter, can I get a better subscription rate too?

Back in the studio, people applaud as the much-needed champagne is passed out. "Except for you," Martha says and takes away Dawna's glass. Which, mean! Martha, still wanting to shove in another commercial, gives Dawna the keys to a BRAND NEW BUICK LUCERNE! and makes her walk out and get into it and drive away from her own celebration. Martha also makes an unfunny about Dawna needing it with the transit strike that's going on. Because that's the answer to transit strikes -- don't give the workers what they need, just stuff the city with more cars. I really should get off my California high horse about that, though, because as of today, we have placed an order for a BRAND NEW TOYOTA PRIUS! Six years in Boston and over two years in San Francisco without a car and we are finally ready to make that leap. Considering that the car will probably spend a lot of time in the garage and be used primarily for grocery shopping and day trips, my environmentally-concerned conscience isn't too bothered. Plus, we're going to name it The Defiant because it's totally space-age and we are totally Star Trek geeks.

Martha thanks those of us still awake for watching, and we get a voice-over from a guy telling us to log onto Martha Stewart's site to bid on signed souvenirs and props from the show. All proceeds will go to a charity that helps children with facial deformities. I think that's a comment on Hateful Jim.

The camera follows Dawna out into the night as she drives away in her car. I hope she just drives around the block and gets back to the party. Girlfriend could use a drink, I think.

All right, people -- that's it! It's been fun, it's been educating, and I'd like to thank Sars for giving me the chance to recap Martha in all her cold glory ["the pleasure was mine" -- Sars] and all of you for reading, posting, and drinking. Too bad it wasn't a more interesting show. Shit, too bad it wasn't the Alexis show!

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Apprentice: Martha

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