Apprentice
A Slice Of Heaven

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Lesson Eight: Horatio Alger Is Mother Goose For Weasels

Up in the 7-Eleven offices, Synergy is being...fucking hilarious. They're all eating those awful sandwiches, which are two pieces of pizza smashed together with some lettuce or something, it's repulsive. They come in little plastic bags with the steam inside, like gross food on a hot day, and they look like microwave pizza, the grossest stuff in the world, and they are a pile of GERD waiting to happen. So here's what they all say.

Andrea: "Basically this sandwich is meant to be eaten...cold?"
Tammy: "This doesn't make me want to vomit."
Allie: "I'm a very picky meat eater, and...this turkey is quite delicious."

I've watched that part like a thousand times and I keep laughing these deep belly laughs, but I don't know if I can explain why that's so funny, because it's looking kind of flaccid on the page. Except you know how much I love Allie, and how you never know if she's fucking with you, or who the real Allie is, which is so much fun, and she's just so...Felisha was a good lead-up to this, last year. All the "my goodness!" and things of that nature. Jentethno too. But Allie, she's the real deal. "This turkey is quite delicious." HA!

Andrea tells us in no uncertain terms that she was Project Manager this week because she said so. "If it were up to me I'd be Project Manager on every single task." Hee, I love her! You get so much more slack from me if you are able to verbalize and laugh about being a freak. She's like, "I'm very fucking crazy...but it's funny." Sean makes funny faces at Andrea while Allie snacks on her quite delicious turkey. Andrea tells the team to brainstorm for the promo items, and they mention cups and key chains, and agree, and Andrea tells them they will be using hats. Like it's interesting, their prattle, but ultimately she doesn't want to hear their flapping gums, because: hats. Allie comes this close to telling Andrea to suck her dick, it's amazing. Tammy floats the idea that they should have the promo item link to the lunch in some way, like a can cozy or whatever, and Andrea says it's a great idea, but: hats. "Guys like hats. People want hats." Allie stares, Sean sucks his teeth.

Andrea interviews an impressive amount of both insight and scary craziness: "People are like, you're a total control freak, that 's such a weakness and I'm like, 'Really? Because I have a really nice life, and it's because I'm in control of everything that I do, and I like it, so it's not a problem for me.'" I really hope nothing bad ever happens to her. Like, really bad, the kind of control-taking-away badness that God specializes in, because there will be nothing left but rubble if she loses grip. The team continues to brainstorm: cups or drink paraphernalia would encourage people to get a drink at the same time, so they'd increase revenues that way. Smart. Andrea: "You know what, actually? I'm letting you know right now it is hats." Beat. "...Okay?" They all look at each other, because she is a crazy person. Which undoubtedly she is, but that doesn't make me angry, it makes me laugh. And what I'm seeing is a lot of actual anger towards her, and it freaks me out, because she's not a bad person. She seems nice, a little socially weak, a little selfish and only-childy, a huge sense of unshakeable rightness in her actions. Just like every other person here. I think she's getting an asshole edit, which is fine because she's an asshole, but I also think there's a fair amount of semiotics getting encoded here: People, Trump included perhaps, think that Martha Stewart sucks, right? Too much money, too intimidating, too clenchy. So I think that this stuff is specifically intended to make us hate Andrea, because nobody likes to see a woman in control to such a degree, do they? She's so brittle and manly and ball-busting, isn't she? Just like Martha? With cobwebs in her uterus and all that? Virago, Clytemnestra, Lady MacBeth. Maybe some vestigial testicles tucked up somewhere? Because a man who acted like this, he'd be quite a man, wouldn't he? Not a bully, right, just firm? Bryce still has apologists, and he was one of the lamer candidates ever on this show, but he flashed the man cards and showed his cred, so he's gold. Because God knows gay men on TV can't fucking catch a break -- we're all very aware of what masculinity looks like on TV. It looks like Andrea. She'd make such a good man! But what a terrible excuse for a woman! Why, she looks like Marilyn Manson! Yeah! She's a horror movie! What a bitch! Who could ever love her?

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