Apprentice
A Slice Of Heaven

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Lesson Eight: Horatio Alger Is Mother Goose For Weasels

Now, he is correct. He's right about that. And perhaps I have an agenda in downshifting to say that I don't like the way he said it, since I can't attack what he said. But the truth is, I don't actually care about this show and I don't have an agenda one way or the other. I'm telling you what I see. What I see is that, just for a second, at the end of this very annoying speech, he does this thing with his hand, and he is Trump. Just for a second. So scary. And you know, I can't fault him for thinking they're alike, either, but I just don't see how you can say something like that about yourself, and then go on living. Leslie kind of begs him to shut up, and he argues and whines and talks and talks. She finally just openly tells him to leave the room so he'll leave her alone. "We need to be selling right now." Leslie and Charmaine bitch about how awful he is, and how negative he's being, and it's very smart to view these two episodes together, because you can learn by the comparison: just like Charmaine and Andrea, the problem here is the packaging of your view. He's right about everything, but he does things in such an annoying way that you'd rather cut off your nose to spite your face, and just ignore him, to make him shut up. It doesn't matter how right you are, if you act like a pisher, which is what he is. And thinking that your rightness exempts you from adjusting your behavior is a dick move, and you stay a pisher. The pisher stands outside the store limply, sighing and breathing the doom in. Fucking sell, Lee.

Roxanne spots their race car ad on the side of a truck, and she and Sean squeal and hold hands and giggle and chant: "Sell sell sell! Sell sell sell!" But they're not with Allie, they're with Andrea. Who looks at them like they're maggots, so they chill out. Andrea voices over about how they hung up "signage" and decorated the store and took some time "just making everything look really fantastic." Again: the aesthetic skill of Andrea is...I'm not saying she doesn't know what she's doing. It could be that orange and green balloons tied to crap in a convenience store that smells like a urine-soaked burrito is very "fantastic" to a certain kind of highly developed palate that I simply don't have. Everybody puts on their hats, which look lovely, but not as lovely as Andrea needs you to say they are. Andrea goes on a rampage of ass-covering, screaming at anyone who will listen about how great the hats look, how fantastic the hats are, how they make Sean more "American" somehow, how nice the hats are, how they motivate purchases simply by existing. Outside, Tammy yells at passersby about how there's a sandwich, plus a hat, and isn't that something, basically. Andrea interviews so that she can yell at us directly about how fucking great the stupid hats are. Andrea: You're not fooling anybody. All we hear is, "I just realized you guys were right, and the hats are sucky. My bad." You can just admit that. Sean Brits at a small cute woman who is not really that hungry, Andrea accosts innocents about the fucking hats, Tammy mentions to Roxanne that the hats suddenly don't make any sense. For the promotion, for the demographic, for the sandwich. Roxanne's like, "You just figured this out?"

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Apprentice

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