Apprentice
A Tale Of Two Leaders

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Miss Alli: B | Grade It Now!
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Dumb as a (cop) rock

The candidates, accompanied by George and Carolyn, head for Deutsch to find out more about the task. They storm past a lot of people who look up from their cubicles with great hatred, thinking, "If one of these fame whores leaves the coffee pot empty, I swear to GOD." We are then asked to believe that Deutsch gets a call telling him the candidates have arrived -- which came right when they had a tight shot of his office phone, too, what luck! -- and he goes off to meet them. He enters a large conference room, prominent nipples blazing, and pretends that he thinks the candidates look smart. He repeats that they're doing this NYPD recruitment campaign, and he wants them to go for "the emotional part." "The real core of this assignment," he says, "is hitting people here." And he puts his fist right between the nipples of steel. You'll notice he did not gesture toward his balls, Maria. And Kelly. But I'm jumping ahead. He tells them not to screw up, and leaves.

Andy tells us that his name was drawn to lead, and he's happy for the opportunity to step up. Or, you know, whatever. Look at me with the sports metaphors. I'm talking like them now. Terrifying. Anyway, Andy holds a meeting where he talks about the need for the campaign to be "honest" and "heartfelt." He interviews that he thinks the campaign needs to make people want to join the force, but also "asks bigger questions." Andy suggests to his team, "When's the last time you saved a life?", and says they should use something like that. Maria, talking to him like he's four years old, says, "Okay, help us -- help us see it." He just gave the tagline, nimrod -- what do you need, flash cards? Andy obligingly continues explaining the emotion that he's going for, and Maria is pointing at him and cutting him off, and saying, "We gotcha," when she totally doesn't, as she will later demonstrate. She interviews that Andy is "slowing [them] down to a certain degree" because he's talking about the emotional heft. "We already know that," she interviews with a tone of insufferable condescension that fits perfectly with her next sighing remark about how difficult it's been keeping the team on track. Her eyebrows? Oh, they're still plotting against us all. Nerk, nerk.

Maria goes on to prove what an unmitigated moron she really is by insisting that heart is all well and good (you might think it's a little better than that, even, what with the way it's what they were specifically told to concentrate on), but she's thinking...Hummer! "Let's talk about sex appeal," she says, as if everyone in the room has been neutered except for her, and she's just trying to bring the libidos back to life. Of course, not only is Maria's approach entirely wrong, but Maria's approach is totally offensive. Do you suppose she's wondered whether an organization that is three years removed from watching a bunch of guys die would want you to promote joining up because it's going to make you look hot? Do you suppose she wondered whether existing cops would want to be standing next to guys who are there because they thought Hummers were sexy? Of all the clueless, brainless, tin-eared nonsense we've been put through on this show -- and there has been quite a lot of it -- I'm not sure I've ever seen anything to quite equal this. Andy, to his credit, disagrees with her. Maria drinks from her little coffee cup as she interviews that she is so brilliant at marketing that she could easily have taken over and done the task wonderfully, but little Andy was just so determined to be a leader that he wouldn't allow anyone to take it away from spunky little self. Well, how young of him. If only he had Maria's sophistication and a devouring lapel decoration.

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Apprentice

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