Assault On Battery

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A | Grade It Now!
Lesson Nine: You Can't Bulk-Sell Bullshit

1. The Carolyn Kepcher Sunny Sunday Afternoon: One (1) fat blunt, and a plastic bottle of off-brand white rum (1 liter), with cherry-flavored cough syrup to taste
2. The Ruth Fisher Fucked My Legless Grandmother: One (1) handful of cat tranquilizers -- between four (4) and ten (10) tablets, to taste -- crushed into a fine powder and shaken into two (2) cups of chamomile tea, in a martini shaker
3. The Night Hateful Jim Kissed Me: Six (6) ounces of vodka, shaken with ice and dusted with three (3) 60-milligram capsules of common prescription ADD or ADHD medication (my ex posited that Ritalin abuse should be called "tasking," by the youth of our generation, as in "we were tasking hardcore")
4. The Spring Break Hootenanny: One (1) handful -- also referred to, in common parlance, as a "hootenanny" -- of peyote buttons
5. The Real Housewives Of Orange County: Five (5) pixie sticks, inhaled nasally, with a chaser of 500 micrograms of "Homer Simpson" lysergic acid

Trump's not impressed with Andrea's "shock," much less her negligible ability to maintain in the face of adversity -- he tells her it doesn't matter, because they'll "find out," if Synergy lost. Which is a good edit, because it reminds you this is just the "who lost" Boardroom, not even the real one, and Allie's already starting with the bloodbath. Junior explains that they stayed on Ellis Island basically, and made $843.40 for the charity. Trump asks Lee if he thinks GR beat them, and the whole room answers, "Duh."

Ivanka says they sold to the tourists, pointing out how they cleanly cornered a captive audience and thereby cut Synergy out of the task altogether. Which was -- admit it -- pretty sexy of them. Grand total for the charity? $1548.68. "Which is," she wonderfully points out with a Cheshire grin, "doubling Synergy's amount." Trump congratulates them, and what Lee says is, "About time, Mr. Trump!" but what he means is, "This show is a farce, just give me the job and call me messiah." Trump says that Ameriquest was "so impressed with both teams" -- and what he means is "horrified" -- that they're donating $10,000 in addition to the amounts raised. He tells them that GR will be playing golf with Trump and Vijay Singh, about whom Trump only hates that he's a good golfer. They also get a set of golf clubs. That's like telling me: "Congratulations! Herpes! And the sores that go with it!" But then, I'm not a businessperson.

Sean and Andrea do some hugging, back upstairs, and she tells him that she had sold $100 as of noon, and kept selling well into the afternoon. She confirms for him that her total must have been over $200, and Allie approaches and Andrea's Hootenanny kicks in. "I just wanted to let you know one thing? That it's just stupid of you to lie?" Allie's like, "About what? Everybody said you're shitty at selling, and I've seen it myself." Andrea tells her again how "stupid" she is, this time for "going off the information" she got from the team. Which is what you call "management," no? Andrea's being so fucking weird, because even if she's right, (a) they haven't gone to the BR yet, so slow it up, and (b) the translation is "Witch-hunt me, please? Because I'm planning on going nuts in the Boardroom." Allie's like, "It's not just about a number -- you're not a strong salesperson." Andrea and Allie fight about whether or not the $110 at noon is real or imaginary, and Andrea keeps yelling how Allie is a "liar." It's even more childish-sounding than it seems, whether she's right about it or not. Andrea is "so angry" that "those bitches lied" about her, and how they're contriving to "get something on" her. She says this with roughly the energy of someone sending back their egg-white omelet because it's too crisp. Allie tries to explain how she's not getting it, and it's not about the sales necessarily -- that's just how they're trying to fuck her over -- and why can't Andrea see reason? Why doesn't Andrea understand that she's the enemy of the team and all good things in this world? Why's she being a bitch about it? Andrea wanders off, calling back all, "You're all a bunch of liars!" and "Nice try, ladies!" In the kitchen she scarfs some legumes or sesame puffs or something and narrows her eyes. "Bitches." Oh, and if you think Andrea's being particularly crazy now? Wait.

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