Assault On Battery

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A | Grade It Now!
Lesson Nine: You Can't Bulk-Sell Bullshit

There's lots of bullshit America music. A flag. Another flag. Tarek telling his team what he can bring to the task, which is writing, because he's a "pretty good writer" because he has a "liberal arts degree." I would die to see what creative efforts he will unleash, but we don't really get to see much of the brochures up close at any point. Michael gives a similarly decisive "I'm pretty good with photography," and Charmaine says she can contribute sales experience to the Stone Soup of brilliance they're cooking up. She floats the idea of calling local hotels and selling the brochures in bulk so that they can offer them to their lodgers as "added value." Lee says he has complete confidence. Cut to Lee printing out thousands upon thousands of pages from the internet of any web page with the word "hotel" in it, and Charmaine asking him to get real. He's very proud of the number of pages he came up with, and Charmaine tries in vain to explain to him the concept of targeting their marketing here, considering she's going to have to call each and every one of them. Great Lenny's Ghost sits on Lee's shoulder whispering white noise about how girls are stupid into his ear, so that he totally misses the part where she tries to get him to understand about how they need to target locally-owned businesses and not chains for her concept to actually work out. She interviews that the point is making money from the kind of people who would be interested, rather than seeing how many pages they can print out from the internet. He does not get it; he's just like, "But so many pages! Why are you being a bitch?" She calls a bunch of the hotels, all of which say no. The funniest one actually tells her outright that she's "wasting her time," and she hangs up before having a very intense conversation with the hung-up phone about "thanks for your encouragement" and "thanks for being so positive" and the hung-up phone's like, "Whatever, crybaby." Lee watches as she calls hotel after hotel, and tells us how "his eye" is on Lee right now, because Trump's like obsessed with Lee for some reason only Lee understands, and how "if [GR] lose five in a row," he's going home. Like five is the limit Trump has set for Lee to fail. This task, like any other that doesn't fall on a holiday, is really just an excuse for Trump to see what Lee's made of. They have got to be playing this idiot, because you can see what Lee is made of within five seconds of him opening his embarrassing, smug little mouth. And it is Grade A. Lee wigs and runs around and wishes his mom were there to explain to everybody how special and smart he is, like she always used to.

Synergy rides their ferry to Ellis Island as Allie explains to us that three of her grandparents came here through there, so it's important to her, and maybe she can make her grandparents proud by winning this one. Only if one of her grandparents was Lizzie Borden, which I'm not ruling out. She finds a very friendly and knowledgeable park ranger guy who tells her interesting facts, which Tammy notes down in her Handy-Dandy Notebook for possible inclusion in the brochure. So far, so smart. For example, the process was around four-and-a-half to seven hours on a good day, but less fortunate immigrants could wait eight months to get through. Jeez. As we watch Allie pumping this guy for Ellis Island info, Andrea pulls Roxanne aside -- thinking they're going to be on the same side, even though she did this same shit to Roxanne twice as bad -- and tells her how they're "wasting time" because you could just pick up brochures for that kind of info. And there's a way in which she is right, but also: how very creative of you, lady. "Many brochures at Liberty National Park agree, Ellis Island is quite a trippy experience." Go do some fucking yoga. Roxanne interviews, of course, that Andrea is an asshole and a half, and that if she's not in charge, everybody is wrong. Also valid. "Her sole goal in life is to make the Project Manager's life a living hell." I would say that's one of her goals, another being complete control of her digestive system and the lives and souls of everyone in her vicinity, but that's a whole other deal.

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